so this is love..the effusion of sighs and tears

ataraxia

2003-12-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

ataraxia
love,let me never know that this is love, or , that childish love is,let ne not know that she knows my pains.kept that so a tender shamemake of mine new woe

my only wish is that you cast aside all your fear and reservations about love.. because i did and i fell in love with a girl who doesnt believe in love...

if you must just hurt me, im willing to take the risk.. i just want to be with you..
hurt me.. as long as youre not the one getting hurt its more than what i can hope for..its not too much to ask isnt it? youve got nothing to lose

romance is not an end in itself but a step towards love of other kinds-it becomes the porch to friendship,comradeship.the equal or near equal partnreship in life's adventure

we came to the world not to find someone perfect to love but to learn how to love an imperfect person perfectly

no matter gay or grim its those tiny little sparks daily life that makes me forget my wounded heart it doesnt matter when it may rain or it may shine blurred memories of us come back from time to time

if i'd known that the very thing i loved about you would disappear when you found out that i had feelings for you.. i would have chosen never to love you

perhaps one reason why we as teenagers rush into things and want to grow up so fast is that somehow we know that our lives will be short.

i cant chose who im gonna love but i also cant just love who chooses to love me and you cant blame me in choosing to love you just as much as i cant blame you for not learning to love me

love is exciting but it is also restful,unreciprocated love is a torment to the spirit,but reciprocated love is peace and happiness,in the astonishment and uncertainty in the early stages of love there is excitement and there is also fear, but there comes a time when there is confidence and a sense of profound security

fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars let me see what life is like on jupiter and mars in other words please be true.. in other words darling kiss me fill my heart with song and let me sing forever more you are all i long for all i worship and adore in other words please be true in other words i love you

fear can stop you loving.
love can stop your fear

tis better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all

what makes man most unhappy is to be deprived not of that which he had,but of that which he did not have and not really know

feelings are fragile,at a certain stage it becomes poison,or perhaps being together is to break up in the end. ive heard too much about breaking up.you said i talk to much but i say what i feel. life is not easy to understand, if it is you'll be rich. you said you guys dont get along well but you dont know how to tell her you want to break up, but keep dragging the relatioship is not a good solution.tell her the truth but she says she wants to commit suicide. its not wise to fool around with a relationship. you will have no happiness if you FORCE it, do you understand, im not talking rubbish do you understand!

should have done something but ive done it enough by the way your hands were shaking better waste sometime with you
should have said something but ive said it enough by the way my words were fading better waste some time with you

in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you and in your head where it dwells i give you my hand if you reach out and grab it lets walk away from this hell

i wipe it off on tile the light is brighter this time everything is 3-d blasphemy my eyes are red and gold the hair is standing straight up this is not the way i pictured me i cant control my shakes how the hell did i get here something about this so very wrong i have to laugh out loud i wish i didnt like this is it a dream or a memory?

destiny decides who you meet but its your heart that decides who gets to stay in your life... i chose you

jiu ze yang duan le xian
jiu cheng zhe yang bu zhai xiang jian
fei chu le shi jian
fei chu le tian bian
fei dao ling wai yi ge mei you wo de tian
jing guo xu duo nian
suo you de juan lian
piao fu zhai shi kong li
mei you zong dian
ren shen shi yi zhang fa huang de xiang pian
er wo jiang zhai che zhan jing zi de huai nian

ni yi hou bu yao zai jiao wo zhou le..

ni yong yuan bu hui zhi dao wo you duo ai ni

ni zhi dao ma.. wo de ri zi bu duo le...yi hou mei you zhe yang duo shi jian ke gen ni zai yi qi le.....

2003-08-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

Talking to the songbird yesterday
Flew me to a place not far away
She's a little pilot in my mind
Singing songs of love to pass the time

Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
I never felt this love from anyone

She's not anyone

A man can never dream these kind of things
Especially when she came and spread her wings
Whispered in my ear the things I'd like
Then she flew away into the night

Gonna write a song so she can see
Give her all the love she gives to me
Talk of better days that have yet to come
Never felt this love from anyone

She's not anyone

2003-08-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

theres more to life...
then you.

then why do you still preoccupy my thoughts
you have an open mind?
hmmmm.
i doubt it...
its affecting you as much as its affecting me.
i know.
you need your space too.
how could i have been such a fool to tell you everything?
you couldnt handle it could you?

some things you dont need to know.

but you found out anyway.
youve got an interesting view on love..
a romantic view..
love has to come naturally?
or does it?
you say you should just let it occur naturally..
true..
then ive been wrong all my life i guess.

my biggest problem is affecting me once again.
a survival tool
that will be the end of me?
i hope not.
the key to my survival.
the key to my down fall.
my IMPATIENCE.

i cant wait.
yup.
i cant wait.
i just cant pull through that whole process
of playing the game..
i get tired of the chase after a while...

fed up.

my chases have been short
most of the time..
but some have been so god damn long
that i think im a fucking fool.
5 years.
nothings changed.
not a single god damn thing.

you know me so well
say so many nice things
blah blah blah.
but you dont love me.
then why bother saying all those things.

im still your friend.
i think.
thats why you need to say at least something nice.
ok..
i understand..

why cant you melt your heart.
for me?
have i not shown you?
isnt it enough

you tell me to go out and love again.
you think its so god damn fucking easy.
have you tried?

you know me so well..
or at least you claim to do.
then why not?

i beg you.
dont do this to me.

i can be that person for you.
that person that
you can turn to
i can be the one to make you smile..
to calm your fears.
the listen to your dreams.
to love.
i can be the one you want to hate.
when you hate other people
they hate you back.
but not me.
i would never do that.
you could hate me.
but i can still love you.
i can still love you.
i have never betrayed your memory..

i accept you for who you are..........
why cant you accept me?
you are the only person in this world
who i feel so close to...
you are the only person in this world i have ever felt so much for,
my whole world revolves around you.
and if you cant see that or still deny that.
tell me
what am i supposed to do.
when a part of me belongs to you.
and you are a part of me?

tell me.
somebody.

the world is getting shittier and more fucked up every single god damn day.
i know.
when i die.
nobody would be affected by it except you.
if you are human.
and if i died.
my death would only affect you.
no one else.

im trying to say that
i dont have many close friends.
you are the only one who has seen all sides of me.

pleasr at least show that you care.
and im not talking to a stone statue all the time.
i just need a sign of life from you.
a reassurance.
thats all.
you know..
give meaning into my life.
make this hell worth living for.
give me that false hope
which is my life source.
i thrive on your coldness to me.
unrequited love.
your indifference is what has kept me alive.
because i believe
that one day.
you will change.

if that day never comes whilst im on this earth.
then perhaps it would come during my eternal damnnation.

this life
is really getting to much to handle.
just take a look around.
i see my whole world crashing down on me.
but not all at once.
its like..
the theory of relativity?

the everlasting blink.

a 18 year old boy
does not deserve all this.

i cant take this any longer
hurt inside becomes stronger

This time when I feel myself open up
Even though I don't want to
And one side of me says kill her
But that just won't do
So I say we're through

Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
Stop and stare what the fuck you don't know me
(I DON'T KNOW WHY)

the pain is aggrevating as the hurt turns into hating
anticipating all the fucked up feelings again

on the day she left
the angels did cry
even all of heaven couldnt understand why
the devils too couldnt hold back their tears
it was the first time they had cried in all their years

he got over it or so he tried
but it was that fateful day his soul had died
he couldnt take it anymore
he went crazy
he slit his wrists
and his vision went hazy

now there she stands by his grave all day
her guilt will never go away
why did i leave him she would cry
heaven, hell please tell me why!

and even in death their souls could not meet
they would never know what it feels like to be complete.

what can i do to make you love me?
what can do to make you care?
what can i say to make you feel this?
what can i do to take you there?

if god were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men.
he would kill himself.

i cut myself.
to distract.
at that moment the blade presses in.
your mind suddenly becomes clear.
your hurt your pain disappears..
and you are drawn in to the
physical hurt that is being inflicted on yourself.
it releases momentarily from your mind prison.
its like that first cigarette.
the one that always knocks you off.
the one that makes you forget.
momentarily.
these releases.
carving, smoking.
it only takes time before the cuts get deeper.
it only takes time before you start lighting up the real shit.
its only a matter of time you OD.
or cut too deep.

but these are neccessary to keep sane in this world.

there is an alternative of course.

simple.

LOVE.

yes love has that similar effect.
it reminds you that the world you live in is not evil

whereas the other 2 remind you how painful this life is

love makes you complete.
the other 2 drain you.

and dont forget alcohol man.
the purple highlife.
that shit can really waste you.

love can preserve you.

you see man can only do one thing to himself at a time.

destroy himself

or to love and be loved in return.

its only one or the other.

not both.

when in love,
the self destruction isnt justified.

when in depression.
love is justified.

love after all is the fifth element.
and like all the other elements
it is essential to life.
like all the other elements..
it can destroy life too..

love is a complicated thing.
why do we need something that can destroy us.
why do we need that something that has that potential to elevate life.
and yet at the same time have that potential to desacrate life.

why do we need that very one thing that can kill us?

love is selfish
love is blind.
love is spiteful
and unkind.

love gives hope
love gives life
love gives meaning
to weary lives.

ive become
so tired.

of trying.

i just really want to end it all.

i really want to.
before it eats me alive.

live.
evil.

everybody needs that somebody to fill their void.
another crazy theory.
man need women.
cause. women have part of them which is man.
literally.

love is disease.
those who catch it.
need love itself to cure it.
those who do not have this cure.
die,
miserably.

i feel
like you are
my NEMESIS.

my symbiote.

you cannot leave me
and i cannot leave you
so we must find a way to live in harmony.

i shall no longer be human.
until another human touches my life.
i turn into a pillar of salt.
because i look back.

unable to trust in myself
unable to trust in the future.
unable to let go.

i am my own demise.
and you are what i kill myself with.

you are my tool.
my feelingless
dead tool.
on which i use to inflict misery
pain
and suffering onto my self.

i am without a doubt.
decaying.
rotting.
fading into
nothingness

as i fall
but never to reach the
nadir of this eternal hole called life.

falling and falling
never reaching the bottom.

falling

falling

fallen.
i am lucifer.
the devil himself.
torturing myself.
condemning myself.

fallen from grace.
so that i may endure eternal suffering.

when all i want now is eternal narcosis.

just give me chance.

but i still have my pride.

the greatest thing you'll ever learn.
is just to love.
and be loved in return....

and as his last breathe crept out from his lips.
the false prophet took one last look at the world around him.
and just before he closed his eyes.
he saw that what he had prophecised had come true.
and this was enough.
it was time to let go.
and let the world pay the price
for doing him injustice.
for doing him wrong.
for not believing
for not listening.
for not trusting.
for not loving.

2003-07-25T11:34:00.000-07:00

this week.
what does it all mean?

what does it fucking all mean?

somebody tell me.

a friend passed away today.
she took her life.
i dont how she did it
or why she did it.

why of all people her???
why did you it?
God.
why didnt you stop her?
she didnt deserve this.

she was one of those friends.
who i was on 'hi' terms with.
ie everytime we passed each other.
we would smile say hi and jus carry on..
had few spoken conversations with her before.
but i knew she was the one of the few girls that i know that was truly sincere.

John Donne spoke of such a person in
song: catch a falling star.
he said that there was never a girl
in the world that was sincere in anything she did.
he said that girls were untruthful
and untrustworthy...
but today..
somebody i knew proved him wrong..
i never knew much bout her.
what secondary school she was from.
where she stayed
or what she did in her free time..
but i did know that she was attached to one of my good frens in the hockey guys teams.
the first time i met her...
if i remembered correctly was during open house..
i was at the DJ booth
clowning with DJs Ham and Tou
we were spoofing the nelly song Dilemma
singing in tune with the "ao"
it was a hit.
the whole school loved it
she loved it.
she was like one of the few councilllors
that was super enthu bout our lil mischeif and all the silly songs we played that day

she was a huge fan of geralds
loved his drumming.

rem she was amazed that i had the same name as her.
or almost the same name..
she was like wow..
there are so many of us in school now haha

i saw her ard quite often in the canteen..
always laughing
smiling
never a dull moment in life.
she had her own unique style.
i thought she was funny.
she was the kind that when you looked
at her
your day would lighten up.

she was my fave councillors..
everytime you needed an inside concil(i never get this speeling rite....)job
you'd either go see her
or denis
haha..
those two were your lobangs
your inner kakis..
help you pull strings

i rem once..
i was sitting alone at macs..
stoning...
eating my bubble gum sunday
and trying to do my chinese assesment book..
when she came up and said hi
she was wit some other guy,
never got is name..
but they two sat next to me..
and we started talking..
i teased her to help me with my chinese
and she tried.. but to no avail
cause maybe it was like freaking hard and she hadnt seen chinese for one year plus alrd?
i let her try my bubble gum sundae cause she said it looked interesting
the reaction on her face was funny
she managed to squeeze out two words whilst still trying to cope with the taste
'cough syrup'
spoken like a true anti bubble gum flavour anything person.
we looked at her and jus started laughing
drank some coke to clear the taste.
we talked for a while more..
i chipping in here and there
it was hard for me to like add my two cents worth cause
as usual
i was having a bad day..
my usual dose of depression
another one of those days
yeah.. i just chipped in here and there
i think i end up explaining to her why i was staying in a hostel
and she was like "no way' haha
or at least i think thats what she said
she offered me a lift back..
cause her dad was coming soon
but i declined...
5 mins..
her dad came.
said our goodbyes..
wished her all the best for the common tests
cause they were doing some bio as well

the ketchup song
that was what i played for her at
serendipity
she came up to us at the DJ Booth..
she and a friend
the first two who started off the whole dedication programme
broke the ice.
showed rjc
that it wasnt so hard to think of a song!

thats the last i saw of her.
i just realise.
and now this.

when i first heard the news...
i nearly dropped my phone.
there was a 'prelude'
sijie had asked me if i had known her
and i said yes..
why?
he didnt say anything.
it was thru my smses wit mel
that i found out.
and i looked at him
and he looked at me.
silence.
i didnt know what to say.

why of all people her?
she was so kind
so sincere
helpful
approachable
amiable
happy cheerful
she was a councillor
for Gods sake
it means that shes the outgoing type
willing to bend the rules
motivating
supportive
the i will help you type.
the type that really makes the diff.
she was true.
you knew she was always sincere of waht she was saying.

the FUCKING WORLD NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE HER!
god damn it.
knowing that such a good person has left this world
really makes me SICK.
why not some low life sleaze ball
why not some loose slime.
why not some other fucker..

it takes a lot
to come to that sorta of decision.

a lot.

you have no idea.

i know how hard it is to make that choice.

you have no fucking idea.

it takes a hell of a fucking lot to justify it.
a fucking lot of courage.

you have no idea.

and yet.

some FUCKING BASTARDS CAN STILL FIND IT FUNNY AND
CARRY ON LIKE IT NEVER AFFECTED THEM..
SOME FUCKING BASTARDS STILL CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT
what if i took those fucking bastards and put a gun to their head
would they then find it funny?

today.
you got to see who the REAL PEOPLE
are in this SHIT HOLE WE CALL RJC
you knew who the real people were today.

its comforting to know that there are still HUMANS in
RJC
not just some fucking machine populace trying to get good grades
and fuck of rest of the world cause here i fucking come.
pick me cause i from RJC
im smart!
im intelligent!
here are my 8A's(4 subs 3 s papers + gp)
but i aint got no fucking feelings ofr you jack shit
so just show me my desk
ill do my job and let the FUCKING MONEY ROLL IN
thats RJC for you.
we're a cut above the rest
better than all you fuckheads out there
I WONDER who the real FUCKHEADs are sometimes
but
dont get me wrong
there are still humans
there are still humans
and they are the ones that
keep the 'balance'
theyre humans...
but sometimes you do get the feeling that
they are not
human enough.

let this be a wake up call for society?
how many more lives must the MOE see just slip by before they make a change?
how many more young lives must the world as a whole see slip by?
you talk about wastage.
some of the brightest minds have taken their lives over the last few years
student and young graduate suicide rates are
at uncomfortable levels
and all the world do is sit back and watch

WHAT IF.
what if one day
students decided to just give up.
i mean.
its possible.
the futures getting too competitive.
how many undergrads cant find jobs?
you read the papers you should fucking know the stats.

imagine what if we all gave up one day.
the young
youth of the nation.
quit.
walked out.
gave up.
stopped.
what do you think would happen?

i look at the prospects of my future.
and i dont see much hope in it.
we had a job application lesson in class
the other day
and i thought to myself
my GOd
these are FUCKING LOUSY JOB VACANCIES
and ALREADY you need so FUCKING much just to qualify
and GET SHIT PAY.
perhaps even use none of what youve studied!
wow thats just great isnt it?!
thats JUST FUCKING GREAT
SO..
IMAGINE
if you want a top notch job
that ideal Job..
how fucking hard would it be?
how motherfucking hard would it be?
do you think youre up to it?
are you confident?
peole will not be worrying about HOW MUCH FUCKING MONEY
they earn
BUT HOW SOON
before..
they are
REPLACED.

imagine
you go thru so much shit in your life
fucking slogging it out with the text books
the lecture notes
you then ace your math
your literature
your sciences
your humanities.
and you start off your first job as a
FUCKNG ZOO KEEPER?
or an ERRAND BOY?
or the PERSON AT THE CHECK IN COUNTER at the airport..
WOW?!
where does my fucking education come in?
let me see...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

its a sad world
this harsh reality of life.
its no wonder
i still dont know what i want to do with my life.
i thought of taking law and finance.
but the more i think bout it..
no..
philosopher..
anthrpologist...
do you think singapore even have those job decriptions?
.....

plus in this dog eat dog world.
you can hardly trust anyone.
hardly make any true friends anymore.
everyone is looking out for NUMBER ONE
you think they give two shits bout you?

go watch 20 something taipei.
a film about young urban professions
and their screwed up lives
society is going to decay into that one day.

watch city of GOD
and youll see how lil regard other people have for your life
its all about yourself.
they KILL
like drinking water.
without hesitation.
without feeling

but maybe its good that society degenerates.
everyone
should just go fuck everyone else.
and when we go back to the primitive
by fucking everyone we know
we might perhaps soon realise
that fucking around isnt so fun anymore
and realise that theres more to life than fucking around.
perhaps on this basis
that people realise the need to change once again.
and start developing relationships.
making true friends
you know..
start all over again.
like nietzsche said..
(not his exact words. just the jist of it)
is disorder greed lust self interest the
basic building block and corner stone for morality?

i am in CHAOS
right now.
torn apart.
i feel this anger hatred for society.
whats worse.
we still have to live in it.
at the same time.
feeling so pitiful for myself
that i will never find true love.
and i have every reason to..

superficiality.

thats waht becoming of this world.

i think the system needs to be rebooted.
we are gonna incite judgement day on ourselves.
armegeddon
apocalypse
ragnarok
judgement day
the day when man destroys himself

just as legend has it.
atlantis and lemura
fought each other to the bitter end.
and the survivors vowed never to return to this
vile place called earth.
they destroyed it and let it start all over again
whilst they flew away into space
to start a new..

what the world needs now.
is love sweet love.
its the only thing.
thats theres just.
too little of.

but love doesnt come that easily.
it is in its purest form
distilled from the misery and pain
of mankind.
and when man has realised how hard
it is to obtain this purest form of love.
by the time he really knows how to cherish it
how to appreciate it,
it maybe too late,
cause.....

there might be nothing left to
LOVE.

the girl from long time ago(a night to remember)

2003-07-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

i dreamt of her last nite.
right in her own house.
as i lay on her couch
i dreamt of her.

it was one of those nice warm dreams
that make you smile inside.
i felt her hand in mine
and for that moment
it seemed so real
skin on skin
it felt as though her hand was really actually in mine
we were walking down a street
in the sunlight
like those sorta parisan settings
i dont know where we were going
i just know that
i was smiling
she was smiling
all was silent
the warmth of her touch
that moment was so real.
i didnt want to wake up.

the dream was continued momentarily
when she spoke.
my eyes fluttered open
and i saw her standing in front of me
calling my name i think
her gentle smile..
her eyes.
made me feel loved.

but alas its all over.
that moment of bliss.
heavenly
ethereal
unforgettable.
undescribable.
love.
that must how it feels like to be in love
waking up to the one you really care for every morning.

we sat there for a while
opposite each other.
without speaking.
there was nothing left to say.
we said everything last nite.
perhaps i should have told her
how i felt
but i didnt want to rush it.

last night.
was i felt something special
revive
in me

last night
we talked.
it got sensitive.
it got deep.
it got intimate.
i hope she could tell
she could infer
that there has been none
she is the only one
that can make me feel this way
i hope she realises that.

she asked me if there was any one new in my life
i told her truthfully no.
i should have added that she was the only one who really made an impact in my life
her impression
never left me..
she never left me
old wounds heal but the scar remains
old memories
buried deep inside
surface
everytime
i hear her voice.
the emotion overwhelms.

i feel like crying.
knowing that i cannot have the one girl
i truly
deeply
honestly
sincerely
love.
but the tears dont flow.
they seldom do.

i only cried a few times in my life..
one of those times
was in my room.
in my old house
after i called her.
we hung up.
i cried.
i sobbed.
i felt i almost died that night.
alone.

2years later,
that exact same emotion.
has resurfaced.
but this time..
there are no tears
yet.
how can i tell her i love her?
is there a way for her to know
that i truly love her
without me not having to say it.
those three words never seem to be able to come out from my mouth.

i love you
i love you
i love you
its so easy to say it here
without having to see you.
but saying it to you.
me in front of you,
you in front of me.

that could have had a greater impact.
i love you.
i honestly love,
you

what makes it worse.
is that you still remember
all my personal
hopes
dreams and ambitions
you reminded me of a time
where i was going to make it big
all my plans
you knew every detail.
you still remembered.
you dont know how much that meant to me,
you still keep my letters,
i had long forgotten what i wrote to you.
but you remembered.
you quoted me.
you loved my letter that i wrote to you in the third person.

you reminded me of all the special moments we shared together.
what we did
moments and memories i was so ready to let go of the day you went away
moments that were just a blur
but last nite,
you revived them.
every single one.

you looked at me with admiration.
proud that i had grown up..
no longer that young rebellious wannabe punk i used to be
you knew how my life was categorized.
you knew my phases.
you knew how i moved on from one thing to another after a while
you knew how i lost interest in things that i couldnt sustain.
you knew me.

i had forgotten you.
i had thrown you out.
i had cursed you
condemned you.

but last night while you disclosed my life to me
i felt loved.
i felt forgiven.
i really feel like crying now......................................................................................................................................

you spoke to my heart last night.
you went where no one has gone before,
cant you see what you do to me?
what effect you have on me?

i need you.
even though you will have to go away again soon
i just need to know that you will be thinking of me
and i as always will be thinking of you.

i have not forgotten what we did together.
to you it may seemed as just ordinary things friends do.
to me... i saw it as what lovers do.

your hand in mine.
the touch of an angel.

i know every detail.
you gave your point of view last night.
my point of view.
is somewhere in the archives of my mind.
and its slowly coming back to me.
they have no shape.
no distinction yet.
but all the emotion attached with them
is being rekindled.
i cant pin point what exactly i feel.
but i know its good.
i want it to be love.
between you and me.
you cant say nothing happened.
you cant.
it wouldnt be fair.

why cant you love me?
perhaps you do.
if you remembered all my past
what could that mean?
no one would give a damn.
but you did.

i am the scum of the earth.
i am
nothing.
but you associated yourself with me.
why did you do it?
carline said...
all this.
has a lot of meaning.
girls dont jus call up any old friend after 2 years
to apologize.
so it means i meant something to you.

im crying inside rite now...
a single tear has rolled down my cheek
as i type.
but inside.
im weeping.

i dont care
im just going to post this anyway.
perhaps.
like all those people out there who act bother to read this.
you too would stumble across this.
and i hope you will know how i genuinely feel for you.

you knew my desires.
you knew what made me happy.
you know what i liked.
its like you were always there but not there at the same time

i love you.

all this.
said.
with the music of the ambientical
and soulful
and the solace
of south bridge jazz.

sipping our baileys
and snowball and blue lagoon.
in between the munching of nuts.
the frentic clanging of the piano keys
the rounded tones of the bass vibrating.
and amidst the climax of the drums
snare of the saxophone
and the gentle voices.. of the vocalists
you spoke to me.
you spoke to my heart.
you spoke to my past
that has once again caught up with my present.
and as you coughed ocassionally to the smoke that filled the air.
you were amazed that i did not need to smoke that night.
and i said.
if you understand why you the things you do,
you can control the urge the impulse to do them.
(you are their master. do not become their slave)

we talked about religion.
how i told her
that god is what not it seems
she gave me her insight
on christianity
and she stumped me
with questions
i couldnt answer.

we learnt alot from each other last night.
discussed literature.
fight club.
music.
she too had become fan of house
techno and drum and bass.

as we sat on the floor of the living room
eating rambutans
chocolates.
drinking our barcardi breezers.
we talked some more.
was glad that she had found her escape in UK.
how she would hit the clubs to get away from it all.
she taught me how to dance.
just some moves with glow sticks.
singapore's club scene is pathetic.
people dont dare to let loose.
the music that we both liked.
wasnt played in any club here at all.
in UK.. there were clubs,
but some of them played tunes that
would perhaps require a certain amount of aquiring.
she asked me to go over.
to the UK that is.
and show me around.
perhaps go backpacking.
get lost somewhere in france or germany,
and i listened.
and i felt.........

she said that it was good to see that i had grown up.
bu i told her somethings never changed.
(like my feelings for her)
i didnt say that of course....

it was 530 in the morning.
so we decided to sleep.
i took her couch.
she gave me a nice warm blanket
and a pillow.
and i cuddled up.

i did wish to myself.
that she would stay outside wit me.
fat hope.

i fell asleep..
it began to pour,
flashes of lightning illuminated the room.
and as the thunder echoed
within the room..
i slowly drifted into a deep sleep.
and i dreamt.

i dreamt of her.

2003-07-17T01:34:00.000-07:00

and youve been so busy lately
that you havent had the time
to open up your mind and watch the world gently
turning
out of time...

no time for anything else but studies..
no more time for relationships
or the sort
fuck all that
i need time for me.
selfish as it seems
its the truth
no more wasting time
being the
pertriachan lover
i am
hopefully the army will change that.
sick of all this self pity bullshit
but its inborn
so itll be hard to change

ns medical was quite interesting
esp the xrays part
the mouth xray was the coolest
you get to bite this thing
and this xray cam
circles round your head and
zooms in and out taking photos
im a PES A!! haha.
no big deal
half the worlds pes a
the vocation test totally sucked
screwed up the rotating section
god knows what i had to do
the instructions were screwed up
bye bye air force
did the tests in a rush anyway
dont know why..
but there were time limits and
i figures that ppl would take the same time and
finish all together..
but i finished super fast and kinda thrashed the other guys
hope i did ok still.
their sat version of the analogies test
was total crap.
it was so simple that it was hard.
what ever man.. hope i get to comandos or the navy..

ASHRAF!!!!!
the GUITAR hero in my very own school!!
he was great at china black.
got 3rd outta 12
thrashed the other
shoe gazers or stoners flat.
i mean the rest were all so boring and dull
shraf had flair and style and speed
his rhythm was catchy
and most of all his monster shredding was
waaaay cool.
rock on dude.
respect.
he got a bottle of JIM BEAN BLACK and a 200 dollar
china black voucher.
wonder what hes gonna do wit it..
theyre muslim
but i guess they can bend the rules once in a while

they were giving away free JIM BEAN blacks at a point in time
still wondering why i was too hamchi
to go up on stage and answer the dumb question from
jamie yeo
she sucks.
haha..

what else did i do..
went to sentos and had a ok time after china black.
kats room in beaufort was cozy
me sedric and huawei
fagged
gerald had a make shift drum set and was providing free entertainment
he even went all out to con and mess with sedrics mind haha
sedric is french by the way.
i think hes kinda kewl..in that french sorta way.

wanna get literary.. but im out of time
off to tuition now.

will post again

soon.

just felt like doing this

2003-07-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

MY LIST OF FAVOURITE MOVIES
(not in any ranking order)

1.FIGHT CLUB*
2.AMERICAN HISTORY X*
3.SNATCH
4.ENEMY OF THE STATE
5.THE GAME*
6.FACE OFF
7.MOULIN ROUGE
8.THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR
9.THE TALENTED MR RIPLEY*
10.THE BEACH*
11.FINDING NEMO
12.LILO N STITCH
13.BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF(french)
14.HERO(chinese)
15.FULL TIME KILLER(chinese)
16.THE MATRIX
17.THE MATRIX RELOADED
18.CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

thats all i can think of now
*means theyre the 'thriller' kinds heh
next week i hope to put up
essential song lines to you can sing to just everyday haha..

Nadir

2003-07-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

the german dude got me thinking for a while..
well maybe i should take this as a form of extra cirricular brain stimulation
the i would have like him better if he talked bout emotions and psychology

just watched this freaking good movie.
FIGHT CLUB.
i loved every single bit about it
edward norton fans.
this ones a classic.
brad pitt fans.
youll definitely love this one.
people who like disturbing movies.
you will love this one too.
its not distrubing in the violent sorta way
it intriguing.
the twist is was totally unexpected.
and i took a while to accept that it was actually possible.

i cant reveal much bout this story.
cos if not ill totally spoil it.
the best mindset to go catch this film is that
you need to know zero bout it.
just like me.
just decided to dl it one fine day.
after AHX
didnt even know there was edward norton in it
so that was the bonus.

storylines good.
very good.
it makes you wanna break free
and listen to the other half of your mind thats sick and tired
of been a slave to this shit hole society.
you are your own best friend.
and your own worst enemy.
you think you know yourself.
but you dont.

thats all im gonna say bout this one..
better go catch it quick!!!

sigh... shes stressing again..
wish i could help..
but dont think shed appreciate much.
returned my reanimation today though
so i watched the second renaissance again
wonder how long before it would take the machines to take over this earth.
like nietzsche said.
men created the template for his own destruction.
the thirst to aquire more
to progress
to achieve.
will be the down fall of man.
(not his exact words)

i dont know..

how should i talk to her..
think i should get out of her life completely.
no point man..
its a lost cause the way i view it
i really really really like her.
but i just think its not fair of me to go stir up her emotions
(if i even have that capability)
you know... IF
IF
we do get together.
where will i have the time..
dont even have time
for myself.
need to catch up like crazy for math.
29/100
for common tests
deprovement from my previous 30 something...
sigh..
not last in class in terms of math still though haha
not something to be proud of though
studies is one thing.
army will be another...
sighz...
(i dont know what to do...
about this dream and you
i hope this dream comes true)
[digital love by daft punk]

havent gotten much chance to talk to val too..
she's been busy catching up wit her frens..

saw her sat night.
still the same old girl..
was kinda uuhh that night cos i was so freaking tired haha...
didnt say much to her..
she went to zouk..
i went to liquid rooms river side bar
with yan and carline and kainne
and guess what.
i had a graveyard
haha for all the stories ive heard of it..
it was no big deal.
i didnt fall into the river after downing it in three big sips..
think i drank it wrongly though..
must be in shot cannot take it at intervals..
blah blah blah
fuck it,
it tastes digusting.
even though i dodnt want to admit it that night
it was filthy..
now i admit
kainne said it tastes like cigarette ash water
yan said it taste like drain wash
i say its both combined together plus detergent you have left behind from scrubbing sooty pots and pans..
it looked that color as well
yeap.
thats GRAVEYARD for you..

should have just stuck to my usual lounge selections of
either baileys
or whiskey dry
yah...

after that we hung outside zouk for a while...
watching all the guys coming drunk
watching all the chics coming out drunk.

and suddenly clubbing lost its appeal
watched as some guys tried to pick girls up for one nite stands?
suddenly it made me realise..
im really not that sorta person.
been clubbing so what.
been there done that.
dont think it suits me.
time to move on.

i wanna settle down.
theres the sudden urge to.
its like the onli thing left for me to do before i can move on to my next phase
of life.
i dont want to go clubbin and do those things anymore.
everytime it doesnt feel rite.. deep down inside.
unless im shit high of course.
then all hell breaks loose as i push the limit of my tolerance and restraint haha.
it seldom happens.
got so drunk once.. couldn even stand.
and you want me to dance.
sighs..
sometimes i really hate all this.
that night outside zouk.
was faggin..
felt so clogged up and so shit.
suddenly even that wasnt fun anymore.
everythings losing interest..
sighs
the after effects of growin up too fast
cant 'cherish' something
if you dont have the correct mental capacity to understand why you are doing it
or 'appreciate it'
but like yan said
by the time when we drink for taste and all that bullshit
(aka not to get high)
over livers will all be dead alrd

i mean theres so many other things i wanna do.
cycle around singapore
camp at sentosa again
trek from bukit timah to whereever that path leads
watch a movie
play pool
or just plain chill out
with the music from my computer
do these sorta things with that special someone would be nice
i feel its like now.
theres no one out there who appreciates me
so why should i do all these things?
to please myself?
yes.
but sooner or later even im gonna get bored with
all my music
all my dl videos
all my software..
if ive got no one to share with
i really wanted
on that day when we won hockey.
to perhaps
run into the arms of that special someone
and give a her a big hug.
because she was there to share my joy.
but there was no one.
yes i was happy
but i didnt have that some one special to share that joy with.
and its like now this time
ive done well in geog for the first time in my two fucking years in rj
nobody gives a shit.
im supposed to do well anyway rite?
im rj
were rj
you did well
i knew it was gonna come sooner or later.
fuck that.

it feels again
this lamenting
like the rest before..
whining
and whining
its just the way im feeling(feeder)

all this hell
that surrounds me
feels like
A NOCTURNAL UPON ST LUCYS DAY

2003-07-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

here.. this is what i have been recently introduced to by gabe..
NIETZSCHE
a german philosopher
some of his quotes have interested me and challenged what i have believed.
please if you cannot handle controversy do not read this
im not saying that he is controversial
i cant find an apt enough word to describe this.
but what you are about to read
plainly will give you leave to think
about what you yourself believe in

Remedium amoris.-- The cure for love is still in most cases that ancient radical medicine: love in return.

Will and willingness.-- Someone took a youth to a sage and said: "Look, he is being corrupted by women." The sage shook his head and smiled. "It is men," said he, "that corrupt women; and all the failings of women should be atoned by and improved in men. For it is man who creates for himself the image of woman, and woman forms herself according to this image."
"You are too kind-hearted about women," said one of those present; "you do not know them." The sage replied: "Will is the manner of men; willingness that of women. That is the law of the sexes - truly, a hard law for women. All of humanity is innocent of its existence; but women are doubly innocent. Who could have oil and kindness enough for them?"
"Damn oil! Damn kindness!" someone shouted out of the crowd; "Women need to be educated better!" - "Men need to be educated better," said the sage and beckoned to the youth to follow him. - The youth, however, did not follow him.

Man and things.-- Why does man not see things? He is himself standing in the way: he conceals things.

Mystical explanations.-- Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial.

What then is truth? A mobile army of metaphors, metonyms, and anthropomorphisms -- in short, a sum of human relations, which have been enhanced, transposed, and embellished poetically and rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical, and obligatory to a people: truths are illusions about which one has forgotten that is what they are; metaphors which are worn out and without sensuous power; coins which have lost their pictures and now matter only as metal, no longer as coins.
We still do not know where the urge for truth comes from; for as yet we have heard only of the obligation imposed by society that it should exist: to be truthful means using the customary metaphors - in moral terms, the obligation to lie according to fixed convention, to lie herd-like in a style obligatory for all...

What are man's truths ultimately? Merely his irrefutable errors.

We have arranged for ourselves a world in which we can live - by positing bodies, lines, planes, causes and effects, motion and rest, form and content; without these articles of faith nobody could now endure life. But that does not prove them. Life is no argument. The conditions of life might include error.

Cause and effect: such a duality probably never exists; in truth we are confronted by a continuum out of which we isolate a couple of pieces, just as we perceive motion only as isolated points and then infer it without ever actually seeing it. The suddenness with which many effects stand out misleads us; actually, it is sudden only for us. In this moment of suddenness there are an infinite number of processes which elude us. An intellect that could see cause and effect as a continuum and a flux and not, as we do, in terms of an arbitrary division and dismemberment, would repudiate the concept of cause and effect and deny all conditionality.

What is new, however, is always evil, being that which wants to conquer and overthrow the old boundary markers and the old pieties; and only what is old is good. The good men are in all ages those who dig the old thoughts, digging deep and getting them to bear fruit - the farmers of the spirit. But eventually all land is depleted, and the ploughshare of evil must come again and again.

Suspicious.-- To admit a belief merely because it is a custom - but that means to be dishonest, cowardly, lazy! - And so could dishonesty, cowardice and laziness be the preconditions for morality?

The greatest weight.-- What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence - even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!"
Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?... Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

2003-07-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

it has been one hell of a month.
the turmoil that ive been through
issues of morality
studies
friendships
trust
conviction
hope
love
self pity
and a justification
to justify my cause
to still show myself
that i am in control.

common tests were one hell of a killer
especially math and econs.
it was like they were out to kill.
but i deserve this.
in a way.

i knew it was gonna end up like this.
all those first three month in SA really fucked me up for math and econs,
never attended a single math lecture.
econs was on a feel like goin basis in Rj..

so its payback time
my retribution.
the two subs fucked me and fucked me good.

emotions for esined are still unstable
dont know i really feel about it all.
im afraid theres no time
i didnt have to know this
but the hockers were talking bout it,
8weeks to prelims
after that 4weeks
to A's.
nice.
just great.
i dont see much time.
i need that time to get my sweet revenge on econs and math.
like kailun said.
im gonna rape that paper when it really counts.

i will.
i have to.

my inner turmoil
just got worst.
the chaos.

watched AMERICAN HISTORY X
last night.
after she called.
(we'll talk about her after AMX)

it gives you leave to think.
about your belief system.
it teaches you
that your actions now.
can have effects
on you
the ones you love
in the future.

more importantly lifes to short
to always be angry or feeling hate
for someone else.

i really liked edward nortons character a lot.
derek vinyard.
pure hatred for anyone who wasnt white.

he believed so strongly that the minorities and other ethnic
races were the ones who caused the downfall and degradation of the USA.
you should listen to him.
you WILL BE CONVINCED.

UNTIL.

you see the other side to the story.
theres always two sides to everything.
basing your beliefs on just ONE point of view.
will have serious repercussions.

the thing i like about derek is that his hatred.
is so pure...
but he was misled into thinking that everyone was a equal as him
in terms of his logic and reasoning of wanting to hate.

but he realised
he was alone.

other racists.

were just doing it for the sake of doing it,
at least dereks reasons were valid.
he did care for america,
but the thing is the others
who just followed.
didnt give two shits,
they just followed because the cult
gave them a sense of identity and protection.
it made them feel secure.

derek was already secure.
he had valid reasons for hating the minorities.
justified reasons.
the rest.
just hated for the sake of hating.

he learned that all this
talk about hating other races
by other white guys,
was just all tough talk.
cos in prison.
they still traded drugs with the hispaniacs and mexicans.
derek.
the pure hater,
didnt even want to have anything to do with them.
he then saw the world thru the eyes of a black man,
the onli friend he could turn to.

he found his sanity
and self redemption
in the very thing he hated.

he realised that his whole belief system was collapsing.
he had become a God to the skin heads.
but he realised.
that he couldnt go back to them.
because
no one really cared for his cause(his justification for hating the other races)

he learned.
he realised.
but it was too late.
he had forgiven himself.
but the world had not forgiven him
and he was punished
still
by the death of his brother who he loved so much.
his brother was killed.
with no rationing.
just killed.

what goes around comes around.

watch it.

and youll know what i mean.

and now
this.
something that i always dreamed of
came true...

time they say heals all wounds.
4 july 2350.
a time that that has finally healed an open wound.
she called me.

the girl i used to love.
the girl i used to hate.
the girl i used to blame for my downfall
my sadness
my misery
my joy
my happiness
my hope.

i cannot express what i am feeling right now.
i cannot find any words to this feeling
time can heal wounds.
but the scars remain

suddenly i dont know what to feel anymore
all the emotion inside of me
trying to verbalise
trying to make sense of what all this means
trying to stir up past emotions

trying to pin point what exactly i feel right know.

but i dont know what to feel right now.
why?
why now?

there must be a reason.

its like somehow she
knew.

that the time was now.

what is the meaning of all this?
what am i supposed to infer from all this?
tell me.

what is the reason for this?

she has always been on my mind.

somewhere at the back of my mind.

in the abyss of secrets darkness and confusion.
she never left.

she could never leave.

after what happened between us.
she could never leave.

what am i to her?

she came back last year

but i had to find out..

this time

somethings differernt,

i need to know.

is this a sign.

that she really is the one?

stop it.

its confusing.

i need to know.

what am i to you.

you to me were a name i was so eager
to forget.
to hate
to blame

but at the same time not wanting to let go.

i held on.

i had faith.

is this my reward?

for still holding and keeping your memory true?

i loved you for who you were right?

i dont remember anymore

2 years.

no word.

you were just a memory

the details fading slowly day by day

but the imprint still remained.

its not everyday you get a call like this.

a ringing phone must be answered.

i thought it would be denise.

but it was someone. much better.

someone who i felt more for what i feel for denise.

denise sometimes reminds me of her.

but she is the first.

and you never forget things
that happen to you for the first time
especially things that make the difference.
things that really matter

i had a dream bout you meeting you in embassy.

it felt so real.

i was forgiven.

now i am indeed forgiven.

by the same you that
caused me so much pain.
and emotional hurt.
but i still held on.
hoping that you would change.

there was something about you.

i still remember the first day you stepped into class
late.
tasmanian devil shirt
white basket ball pants wit blue lining.

that was you then.

what about you now?

that was you.

you caught my eye.

that was you.

stole my heart.

stirred my emotions.

that was you.

valerie.

2003-06-21T11:24:00.002-07:00

one week left

7 days is all we have
and im still online now
updating this page

the irony

today i was in panic mode

nothing is working out right..

the hostel conditions have suddenly vecome so unlivable..
i needed a break from that place.
this morning the final straw was cast.

ant infestation.

my brothers side
no surprise..
but they spilled over to my side..
disgusting
if theres one thing i hate about ants
its amazing how there can be so many of them
fucking hell
they swarmed behind the air con
and there was even a trail leading to god knows where

so i sprayed.
i killed.
the scattered.
i sprayed some more
they died.
they fell.
all over the floor
all over my hi fi
all over every fucking place below it.

that was it.
mom.
get me a vacuum cleaner.

she came in about half an hour.
and i swear i sucked all the bloody ants
and all the years of dirt
clean man...

felt so good.
finally its clean

all those months living in filth.
finally
a reprieve.

but im not there tonight to enjoy that clean place.

ok...
onto other stuff.

induz3.
i almost did it

self destruct.
got so drunk
shit faced drunk.
till i didnt even know what i was doin
lost count of how many i downed
had an assortment
bourbon coke.
whisky neat.
whisky dry.
vodka shots.
tequila shots.

enough to make you pass out..
even more so wit the cigis.
sorry
some things never change.

take it or leave it.

me cuz was there.
had a good first few hours
talking bout stuff with her
she took photos with
dave
joe
me
josh
the dave one was the best naturally..
model wad haha

the one wit the mungens was cool too
the one wit the indians...
erm speaks for itself hahaha
no offence joe n dave..
but hell
do you even read this?

lets see.
when i was still semi conscious.
i started msg ppl
thats what i found out the next day.
dont know how it started or what i said.
but it was enough to start worrying cherie and
especially mel.
but i do rem one msg that struck me the most.
cant rem who it was from.. think cherie though..
it went
"who are you?"
that woke me up.

who am i?
at that point in time i didnt know.
i just wanted to be with one person
and
i wanted another to save me.

fuck
so pitiful
pitiful!(blindside)

geesh.
sorry for spoiling your night tan
well at least 2 chics
sent you home.

sorry cuz..
but at least you made it to zouk and mileu!
havoc queen man haha
respect.

sorry jason
for having to leave wit me in the cab.

never goin to a club again if im
depressed.

next time i go.
itll jus be for pure
unadulterated fun.

my life is in a total mess now.
still suffering the aftermath.
can breathe properly..
i think i overdid it
plus was having an ulcer

mentally physically emotionally scarred.(cant rem which song this line came from.. i know it was from a rap though)

some things never change.
woke up in the morning
with a laceration
a carve
the first letter of her name.
can rem when i did it..
*sighs*

Hold me now
I'm 6 feet from the edge
And i'm thinkin
Maybe 6 feet ain't so far down(creed)

ever had that feeling..
after going through something intense...
after you come out of it
you feel reborn.
like a new person
cos you finally let it all out
all the emotion
no limits
cause you were to gone to care
the things i do
i was so bent on passing out last nite
but i didnt
i survived
but
was wounded
emotionally
mentally
physically.
its refreshing?

but the past still haunts you.

WARPED.
TWISTED.

thats me for you.

lets make an assumption

goalkeepers
guy goalkeepers
are insecure people?

is that a fair assumption?
well ive only got me junior to second that haha

im vague
yes.

if you figured what im talking about so easily
this wont be fun anymore rite?

went to this blog.
someones into JOHN DONNE.
the insiduous master of
Love poetry.
respect.
my faves include
in ranking order
the good morrow
the ecstacy
a valediction forbidding mourning.

the top three faves!

heres the irony for you non lit people.
john donnes a
MASOGINIST(think i might have spelled that wrongly)
ie
he HATES WOMEN.
and
THE APPARITION
is one good example.
yes its one of his poems.

he gets boring after a while.
like a punk cd.
all songs(poems)
revovle around the same ideas(riffs or chords)
just diff variations
but some are nice
others are a bit diff.
i make a lousy critic dont i?
sometimes he reminds me of this techno group
called
rimmini project(think i got the spelling wrong again)
download a few of their songs.
youll know what i mean.
amazing how some of them even reached numer one on the charts before.
dumb ass singaporean listeners.
bloody useless.
cant even vote for proper songs.

well todays geralds and gabes party
this evening that is.
i got gerald this huge beer mug(depends on whether mel finds it)
and gabe
A JOKE BOOK
cause we all agreed her jokes are lousy
and
not funny
haha
first step to being a better joker!

amazing christines online!!!!!!
all the way from auzzie land
jus called me an asshole haha
some things
never change.

according to her.
her hacker friend jus hacked in
so theyre using internet for FREE!

shes high..
having some drinks
champagne
vodka
and strawberries
sounds real fun and
kinky heh

ok we're
chatting bout her
even chris in auzzie knows heh.

cya

my parting shot this week
the good morrow
wonder whats her fave...

I WONDER by my troth, what thou and I
Did, till we loved ? were we not wean'd till then ?
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly ?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den ?
'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be ;
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.

And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear ;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone ;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown ;
Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest ;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west ?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally ;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.

2003-06-21T11:24:00.001-07:00

2003-06-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

2003-06-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

......

2003-06-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

hey hey.
im back after soooo long
feels good to be wired in again..

so many things have happened.

we did it,.
we won the season.
we beat nj 2-1 to get into the finals.
i saved us with a out of this world relex save.
after i made that save. i knew we were gonna win,
and 2mins later. wilson smashed the winner in.
point blank.
right thru the keeper.

we were 2 goals down in just 10min.
a shaky start.
pulled back one.
nikhils bills.
unstoppable.
told him all he had was to get it right one time.
and it would go in.
it did.
they knew where it was going.
but couldn stop it.

kailun did his stunner flick.
the unsaveable.
keeper.
was left there amazed.

last one.
mon.
the wounded striker
struck with such sweet vengence.

we did it.

thanx guys.
this was probably the happiest moment in my entire life.
i really wanna thank you for making it happen for us.
for giving me a chance.
to be part of something big.
something important.
something that people never expected.
something that made us unforgettable.

will we be legends?
perhaps.
underdogs who fought all the way.
underdogs who never gave up.
underdogs who won.

of course it was not all our work alone.
sir,
i want to thank you,
for being so patient with me.
for guiding me.
for not spoon feeding me.
you made me learn the hard way.
i liked it.
after i came out of the experience
i became stonger.
you thought me to trust myself.
boost my confindence.
it was you that made me love the game.
it was you that helped me realise my passion.
and that there was indeed some goal keeper essence in me
thank you for bringing it out.
it was a 'childhood' dream.
always played keeper when i was young.
thanks again sir.
for making my dream come true.

other thanks

to kapitan chin.
again for being patient with the emotional and irratic keeper that i am
thank you for the inspiring words of encouragement.
you made me feel secure everytime you played.
i felt more confident.
knowing you were upfield.
cause you have that power.
that ability to control the game.
thankn you.

melanie
my classmate.
first person to get all my whining
and to listen to my insecurities.
im such an emotional wreck.
thanks for being there for me.

to someone special.
i shall keep your name secret.
but if you read this.
you should know who you are.
thank you for your support.
your belief.
in a friend.
that you dont know much about.
a friend.
a wierd irratic friend.
haha.
thanks
for the sms.
couldnt have done it without you too.

had a dream last nite.
involving some people.....
it was so real.
like it was actualy happening there and then
but like all dreams.
there is something that distinguishes
them from reality.
theyre exaggerated. and paranormal.
it seems normal.
but it feels wrong.

but why does it feel more real.
when i dream.
is there some truth in the matrix?
i dont know.
haha.
ever had a lucid dream?
it felt so real once.
that i shot out of bed.
shocked.
it was incredible.

i could taste it.
feel it.
control it.

embassy was great.
got shit high.
havent felt that way for such a long time.
met amny friends.
nicole lee(it was nice seeing you once again, i missed you.)
jiayang and his usual bunch.
josh tan.
team india.
somethings never change.

somethings things do.
according to tan.
me and my cousin were... haha..
not gonna say.
but it was no big deal.
dont know how if what he said was true too.
drunk ass.
haha.
we were all high,
blew 200 bucks on drinks.
and one whole pack.
Oops.
havent checked my 2.4timing yet.
condemn me.
im sorry limin.
somethings never change.

nearly thought you actually cared bout me for a moment,
but you didnt,
might as well.

wont change for anybody,
unless she's the one,
and she asks me to.
only then.
would i stop.

the barbeque was great.
J ones cook.
Jtwos eat.
who could ask for more?
besides there was free pool.
got to check out a very big and interesting house.
thank you ying yi!
next time again yeah?
and im gonna try the jump off thingy k.
must do it!
its so tempting.
plus.
gonna dive in and try to find the cave too heh.

girl.
you seem to love me now.
would you love me if i was down
and out
would you still have love for me?(50cent)

but im not in love.
im so sick of being lonely.(field mob)

wish it was easier.

death gotta be easy cause life is hard(50cent)

blue on blue
heartache on heartache
blue on blue.
now that we are through.(royksopp)

acting like i just broke up wit somebody.
but havent been wit anyone yet heh,

but i like it this way?
solace.
its like a second life running in a parallel universe.

thats why i like my life of sin.
since no one really cares.
why should i be so conscious?
haha.

gotta go help sheng rong wit floorball soon.
sir says he cant get it right.
gotta go and see for myself,
he shouldnt have a prob understanding or figuring it out.
he's a quick learner.
gave me a run for my money haha..
but ill help.
my predecessor.
he should become better than me.
cause he's got the built.

more to complicate the equation...
a new one who wants to know me more.
old ones appearing again.
to stir up past emotions.
but i can be numb.
so tired of all this.
i just want ONE.
its finally all catching up with me.
i just want ONE.
to settle down.
and be a better man.(robbie williams)

well baby you could be the one that saves me(oasis) from self destruction.

im going induz3 hope i survive.
my last jig.
to let it all out.
no holds barred.

again.
you could save me.

but please.

dont be too late.

2003-06-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

2003-05-12T00:51:00.000-07:00

the seven sleepers
or the seven in the arms of morpheus

what was amazing about their story is that they supposedly slept for 360years.
yes.
360years.
the sleeping part is itself significant
representing a preservation of self and immense belief in what the sought.
christianity,
the awakening however is more important,
the realisation that you have become a totaly new
different
person.
the emergence of a newer being
an entity

i have a wierd attraction to John Donnes poem
the Good Morrow,
to me it is the strongest love poem i have come across
i cant describe the way i feel for the poem but
i just sort of understand it.
ill post it soon.

Asleep in perfection.

if i could sleep forever.
it would be her i dream,
if i could sleep forever i could forget my everything,

in the arms of morpheus

sleep now in the fire

sleep.
face it you need it.
to escape the realities of this world.

the relive that fantasy.
to live in the world you can never have
to be with the people who you really like but who you are to shy approach.

sleep now my child
and when you wake
all will be fine.

-Sandman----

2003-05-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

i am the best.
the typical goalie psyche up!

ok on a more modest level im not really the best..
just improved a bit i guess..
managed to overcome my fear of the game after the traumatic defeat at the hands of NUS!
we lost 4-0!! i let in 3 during my half and yeah...
amongst the most amazing goal... the fucker scored from 5 degrees.. dont ask.

now to more impt stuff like season!!!!!!
we played our first game and you know what!!
we FUCKING LOST TO AJC?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!!!
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK MAN!.
last minute goal summore!! FUCK.
but there was nothing i could do about it...
if i was a mutant then maybe.
dove right to cover the goal mouth..
and the first of the two aj forwards rushing in hit the post.
VHAT a FVUCKING loser!!!
sorry the amount of vulgarities but
WE DIDNT DEASRVE TO LOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOT LIKE THAT!.
after the rebound of the post it was proceeded by a reverse that sent the ball to the top corner of the net as i was just getting up.
instinct told me to look up.
but instinct was a MICRO second to late..
my glove was up faster than the rest of my body although i only saw the ball as it went over my helmet into the net..
my glove had a mind of its own... it wanted to touch the ball out but it was attached to my arm.. like i said onli if i had reflexes like spiderman and his spider sense
then.
i might have saved it.!!
WHERE was my fucking defence!?!?!?!?! hello!! im no god ok..
i may as they always say the king of the D but im not God of the D.
sorry...
EPIPHANY...
my overwhelming passions make me wanna cry each time i think of it.
we deserved at least a draw..
but that day on the pitch.
i felt the AJ presence more than the RJ presence.
like sir said... we deserved to lose..
and that was probably the most dignified manner.
reverse to the top corner.
better that a direct shot
better than a trickle in
better than a flick
better than a lob
better than any other way of scoring.
ive always had a thing for reverses... cause theyre so unpredictable..
but that will be the last goal that enters MY net again!

girls are doing well so far this season..
beat JI the defending champs 1-0!! mother twangsta short corner hit that sent the ball deflected into the corner off a defenders stick.
her hits a harder than mine for goodness sake... i think haha

then they whacked TP 3-0 with a stroke from twangsta again to the left side board
and two from indo kapitan reina!!

what a streak theyre on!

i really admire their determination.. if only the guys could play like them,,
thats what im inclined to think sometimes...

so many things happened since i last updated

changed my diet to a trg diet!!!!
been succesful so far... my average weight droped to 63!!!! YAAY!
from a previous 66... haha

i saved one of jasmids penalty FLICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEAT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BHAIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! wahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

i made KAPITAN CHIN KAILUN EAT ASTROTURF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! after taking him out nicelay at his RI homeground!!! haha

even REFLEXED SAVED one of MR TANs reverse flicks!!! hahahahahahahahha YEAH!!!

denied LIOU by a SPLIT SAVE in midair!!! this one was real LUCKY.. the ball just skimmed off the sole of my foot and past the post! phew.. butt hurt like crazy after that!

learned something about Gabe... well.. what can i say.. people change...
i wish she never went to CJ.....

had an ice cream breakfast wit (clue:a fountains of wayne ,FOW song title!)
it was nice... an early morning in school...
ben and jerries!! cookie dough and berry smthn!!
been a while since i did anything like that..
all i know is that i really enjoy her company and winning her in soccer bets!! haha
i out bet? her twice alrd!!!!! 4-3over real man U and some other man u games!!!
lesson to be learned... LOVE MAN U and DONT be an arsenal fan!!
learnt a few more things bout her..
but i dont know if i appeared to not care... shit lah..
im always kinda bad at it with girls... sigh..
theres an inkling... but dont think its mutual..
oh no..........
low self esteem again everytime i think about my past..

thats why i like doing sports now.. scientifically it creates endorphines that keep you CRAZY AND HAPPY
like ive been feeling these few days!! a passion for the game of hockey!!

it disciplines your mind and body too

check me out now..
im far more happier than i was last time..
when i was living the highlife..
yes there were some 'good' times.. but not true happiness..
just under the alcoholic and fag influence that makes you think ur happy..
now im fitter than most of me frens who i couldnt even catch in 2.4!

mel kiangs real proud of me
and im glad that i kept to my word and didnt let her down.

but now... my minds thinking bout someone else... gradually..
dont get me wrong.. its nothing do wit kiang! were jus very good classmates haha

but then again.. this other someone else.. how should i feel about her?

is it another infatuation or is it......

sigh.. i wish this whole love thing didnt always get me down..

but i cant help it gal.. you light up my world.. make me laugh make smile and youre so

[Hook 2X's: Pharrell & Uncle Charlie Wilson]
Ohhh-ohh-oh-ohhh-ohhh... (Oh-hooo!)
Yeahhh, yeahh, yeah, yeahhhh... (Ehh... oh yeah, there's something about you...)
[Chorus 2X's]
Beautiful, I just want you to know (Oh-hooo!)
You're my favorite girl... (Ehh... oh yeah, there's something about you...)

I know you gon' lose it, this new Snoop shit
Come on baby boo, you gotsta get into it (Oh-hooo!)
Don't fool wit the playa with the cool whip
Yeah-yeah, you know I'm always on that cool shit
Walk to it, do it how you do it
Have a glass, lemme put you in the mood and, (Oh-hooo!)
Lil' cutie lookin' like a student
Long hair, wit'cha big fat booty
Back in the days you was a girl I went to school wit
Had to tell your moms and sister to cool it (Oh-hooo!)
The girl wanna do it, I just might do it
Here to walk wit some pimp-pimp fluid
Mommy don't worry, I won't abuse it
Hurry up and finish so we can watch "Clueless" (Oh-hooo!)
I laugh at these niggas when they ask who do this
But everybody know who girl that you is

[Chorus 2X's]

[Verse 2]
When I see my baby boo, shit, I get foolish
Smack a nigga that tries to pursue it (Oh-hooo!)
Homeboy, she taken, just move it
I asked you nicely, don't make the Dogg lose it
We just blow 'dro and keep the flow movin'
In a '64, me and baby boo cruisin' (Oh-hooo!)
Body rag interior blue, and
Have them hydralics squeakin' when we screwin'
Now she's yellin', hollerin' out Snoop, and
Hootin', hollerin'; hollerin', hootin' (Oh-hooo!)
Black and beautiful, you the one I'm choosin'
Hair long and black and curly like you're Cuban
Keep groovin', that's what we doin'
And we gon' be together until your moms move in... (Oh-hooo!)

[Pharrell:] Ehh... oh yeah, there's something about you...

[Chorus & Hook: 2X's]

[Bridge 2X's: Pharrell & Uncle Charlie Wilson]
...See I just want you
To know that you are really special...
Ohh why, oh why, oh why, oh why...

[Verse 3]
Snoop Dogg Clothing, that's what I'm groomed in
You got my pictures on the wall in your room-in (Oh-hooo!)
Girls be complainin' you keep me boomin'
But girls like that wanna listen to Pat Boone (Ehh... oh yeah, there's
something about you...)
You's a college girl, but that don't stop you from doin'
Come and see the Dogg in a hood near you-in (Oh-hooo!)
You don't ask why I roll wit a crew, and
Twist up my fingers and wear dark blue-in (Ehh... oh yeah, there's something
about you...)
On the eastside, that's the crew I choose
Nothin' I do is new to you (Oh-hooo!)
I smack up the world if they rude to you (Ehh...)
'Cause baby girl you so beautiful...

[Chorus 2X's]

[Bridge 4X's]

[P:] Ehh... oh yeah, there's something about you... Oh-hooo!

[Repeat 'til fade]

haha.. dont pay attention to the song. it was just for fun haha.......
buts it just damn nice!!

2003-04-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

its been such a long time since ive updated this blog...
so many things have happened.
SARS.
Common tests
Season is approaching..
and yes my life is still messed up..

class tests after class tests to study for...
assignments aft assignments
training traing self training..

its taking its toil on my body...
my bodys been behaving in a very weird cycle..

every monday i have this abnormally high temp... i feel hot..
light headed and feel this internal heat within me..
come mid week.. im back to normal...
then thursday friday im burning again..
sat sun.. normal.
and it
just.
repeats.

what the hell is wrong?? on the burning days ive taken my temp..
im a 36.2 to 36.7
normal rite.

but the ever increasing fear of contracting the deadly sars is still making me paranoid..
motherfucking scary.
some dude from the room across is under quarantine cause
he went to help the viet girl from eton hall for whatever shit reason
now eton hall has sars..
some china bitch got infected.
fuck all the irresponsibility.
but the viet gal says she dont know the china girl..
if the chain reaction occurs..
the affected will be exponential.
i just hope i dont get it.
id rather die.
then spread it to the innocent.
but curse the irresponsible fuck head who passed it to me first.
there is a chance of recovery.
my body might win IF i should contract it.
but past experiences with normal viruses shows otherwise.

season approaches..
im getting very excited and nervous at the same time.
never represented school in a team game before..
my first time.
my last time?
im proud of myself for the effort ive put in to improve
because i want to win
the team wants to win.
so we have to give nothing less than 100%

fitness is in shape.
just did a 9.20 for my 2.4k run..
thigh muscle lactic tolerance could still use a lil more work.
and stamina could use a bit more boost..
hardest of all... trying to contain the heat
the heat that gets stuck in my body..
the heat that gets trapped in the helmet and the chest pad..
it consumes and engulfs..
makes you dizzy
you loose your concentration,
but i have to overcome it..
must.

my greatest fear is still im jus damn fucking scared my body will freeze during a match.
become so nervous until the muscles become limp and cant move.
literally freeze in the heat.

other interseting things have also happened..
the race for the premeireship title is on.. man u a re now 5pts clear of arsenal(who can go suck my balls)
dunno why but im becoming a greater soccer fan.. myb cos im playin a team game now..
im more interested to see the dynamics?/ i dont know haha.

we spanked madrid nicely 4-3 but still not enough to go thru to the finals in the champions league.
o well..

went to southbridge on my birthday.. that was eons ago. 8 march...
im legal now.. but till today.. still havent legally stepped into a club yet haha.... the IRONY
was joined by jgan cherie gerald melanie astrid.. had a few drinks... listened to some smooth and jazzy tunes(duh)
and jus chilled... they got a sax player now...
dont particularly like him,,
hes's to loud.
prefer the soft gentle tunes and the overall effect of the piano bass and drums.
the sax just spoils it... kinda shrill..
the other three produce a more rounded tone...
if you know what i mean..

had a baileys.. absolutely love that.

prior to that a week before the young me was living the remnants of the purple highlife..
a very sad and pathetic life it was.

got drunk at gerards party..
nobody cared that i was gonna turn 18 soon.. so i kinda drunk to myself..
such a loser i am.. but reality hurts..
no one out there really cares
so i took cup after cup of tequila 7.. which i mixed myself and the proportions were all wrong of course..
too much tequila.. to little 7 up..
no one really cared if i got back i think..
josh and mark jus showed me to the cab and thats it

somehow.. i had plans to go to gabes place.. so somehow i ended up there..
was fucking dead drunk..
dont even know if i paid.
or how the taxi driver knew i wanted to go there...
but i did reach there...
and waited at the bus stop for her..
she came with her dog.
dont rem shit bout wad she said to me...
she must haf thought i was fucking crazy still to go meet her in that state..
well dont know what i said..
it must have been bad...

cos we kinda didnt talk to each other for more than a week after that...
dont know what i told her...
wish i rem..
but i do like her.. but a nice friendship is all im goin to have to settle for..

managed to somehow call frankie.. rem i was lying on the bus stop seat..
he came
helped me into the car..
offered me a plastic bag to puke in
rem he went to pick up somebody else..
think it was his wife.
i rem a girls face
somewhere in serangoon area near the mrt there
drove me back to the hostel
i got into the room
saw my hall madam staring shocked at me..
but i couldnt rem if i did act see her..
got to my room..
hit the bed..
fell asleep.

the turmoil was over.

the aftermath? another time..

2003-03-06T00:39:00.000-08:00

life is in a total mess now...
everything is just collapsing again..
im going back to the start.

2003-01-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

im in china now!!
shanghai boys back again!!
on me sis' lap top now...
its better than my com i used to have at home... sos the internet connexion

downloaded a whole lotta shit today...
so now haf to go back to spore and ask her to sen me da files online ahaha..
theres no time diff by the way...
yup..
it just gets dark earlier thats all..

school...
lets bitch bout that..
the j1s are a new thing that im still getting used to ahah
duont ask why,.
cos i dont know also...
just seemsso strange with em ard...
got a new j1 keeper to train wit me...
wasnt really happy bout it at first..
but i guess for practicality reasons its ok...
his names shen rong..
cousin of melissa lee from me claas..

the guys got bloordy long legs and arms...
a;ways gives me the impresion of a aspider .. heh
haha
but thats his advantage... doesnt ahve to stretch so much can easily cover great dist haha..
just scared he might replace me..
but imnot gonna let that be a walk in the park.. gonna improve on my own techniques too
finally got the feel of the mother long lunge to the far post,,
just got to programme it to be the first order reaction reflex then i guess im ready..
gotta condition and season that move.

had a rather interestin first month act..
became on smiling terms with a few more girls whom ive been seein ard a lot lately haha..
haha yeah.. its all good...

no harm making more frens... hehe..
then there was the dawning of the lunge...

im in china now... and i just saw the whole city skyline errupt in fire works literally...
it was building up since 8.. and climaxed on the stroke of the new year of the goat.

mels reunion dinner was a bomb too.. thats when i finally had the courage to say smthn too... mr shy guy that i am..
hamid was a real clown and a good laugh that nite.. esp when he was laughing like crazy.. he was doubling over.. when the pussy willow that was behind hime poked him in the nose!!! hahaha hows taht... everyone just died laughing..'
then of course there was the rape of hamid... and kailun was the rapist...
poor vivtim of circumstance hamid... twas supposed to be varun that should kena... but you think kailan can carry the cow?? haha...

well... we did get to see kapitans ass... haha...

oh the fire works finally stopped at last... peace and quite...
bet the display costed a few million.... 4hrs leh..

other interesting stuff...

there was also a black out that nite at mels... wilson got lost in the toilet and cherier thought someone purposely turned off her toilet light too haha....
it was really a black out heh...

we got to sit raffles class on our way to shanghai too,... beat that! haha..
there was one particularly chio stewardess... woo... hott!! haha
lousy movies though...
dont ask me wad ballistics about.. fucking lousy movie.. should be banned... these kinda crap movies..

the food was ok... had yam cake! yum

oh yah heres an interestin fact bout china... theres no age limit for consumption of tobaco and alcohol... sweet.

gonna try to smuggle back a few bottles...

there was another post before this... that was depressing again..
will put it up soon,...

'the piscean will feel incomplete without love'--- im a piscean.

'hes the typical old fashion lover' --- ok... to a certain extent...

im onli compatible.... with cancer capricorn and scorpio(i think)... -- no wonder its hard.

haha.. dont know... all from gabes astro book.... how much you , i in this case wants to believe is up to my own discretion..

oh..
just rem...
guess wad... the tv room is officially my bedroom down here haha.. damn nice and cosy... nice to cuddle and stuff cos its nice and enclosed... frosted panels... so the light that flows in is very gentle... sensual.... yeah... drifting away alrd my imagination,..
and just nice the sofas long enuff for 2 to lie in a l shape.. heads meeting at a right angle...

ok... till THAT day...
im just gonna kep on daydreamin nightdriftin bout it,
and enjoy the place to myself...

thats all fer now...
and as usual:

Sunday (the day before my birthday)--- moby
omg!! its playing now!! so coincidental... eerie

sunday was a bright day yesterday
dark clouds had come into the way

they say too dark is night
dark and cold

why cant i face it?
am i too blind to see?
why did she go?
why did she leave me?

2003-01-30T05:57:00.000-08:00

hey its been long time since ive posted shit on this website.......
well some interesting stuff to note...
there are actually people other that my class mates who read this blog.....
omg... how did you even know bout it in the first place...
ok man wadever........
and so you think you know me after reading my stuff... well...
maybe.
in exactly 2 hrs... i will be flying off to shanghai to celebrate the chinese new year.. kewl rite..
the place is fucking freezing now...
last i heard from my sis is that its -2 degrees..... uh oh..
i cant even survive lt one.... not to mention ts 5 on a rainy day..
well ive got a nice condo in the heart of the city...
goin there to chill... not planning to do any work cept mayb finish reading moll flanders...
yes.. im still at page 171... bachelor overtook me alrd... haha

well its gonna be fun i think...
gonna pig out...

just came from trg though..

shit... just got a call from the driver...
seems my mom screwed up the plans..
told her not to interfere..
not that i want to be bad but yeah..
typical her...

i arranged everything so nicelay
and she messes it up... wadever man..

ok got to go soon..
will crap again when im in shanghai... the chinese city of sin..
havent seen much of the nite life though when i was there the last time...

ok...

gonna miss you guys here loads...
ao3c and hockey...though i dont even know any of the j1 girls yet...
and those few of you that i know... who are on small talk and smiling terms with me haha... yup..
mayb ill get something back for you guys...
see if got any shops open... cos its mother slacking when chinese new year come
no shops will be open.. ok driver called aghain..

got ta run!

2002-12-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

asd
alone sad day

2002-12-27T22:31:00.000-08:00

How Does It Make You Feel

I am feeling very warm right now
Please don't disappear
I am spacing out with you
You are the most beautiful entity that I've ever dreamed of

At night I will protect you in your dreams
I will be your angel
You worry so much about not having enough time together
It makes no difference to me
I would be happy with just one minute in your arms
Let's have an extended play together
You're telling me that we live to far to love each other
But your love can stretch further than you and I can see
So how does it make you feel?

How does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel?

Do you know that when you look at me
It is a salvation
I've been waiting for you so long
I can drive on that road forever
I wish you could exist to live on my planet
Well it's very hard for me to say these things in your presence
So how does it make you feel?

How does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel?
How does it make you feel?

So how does it make you feel?
Well,I really think you should quit smoking

2002-12-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

Tu seras pour moi unique au monde. Je serai pour toi unique au monde.

I love the way you love
But I hate the way

I cAn't chOosE who i'm gOnna lOve, bUt i also cAn't jUst lOve whO chOoses to love mE...n u cAn't blAme mE in chOosing to lOve u...as mUch as i cAn't blAme u fOr nOt leArning to lOve me...

i look at the moon every night and wonder if youre looking at it too... cos its the only thing we can see.. when we are apart...
i listen and breathe in and revel in and soak in the ambience of my softly lit room.. but youre not with me...
if i could sleep forever.. it would be you i dream of...
my heart is longing just for your company..

When I say I love you, I feel like I'm taking my life in my hands and giving it to you..
.its scary because to say those words i need to know i won't be hurt and that i will always be the one in your heart..
.it also means that u'll never leave me and u'll always be faithful..to put all that on the basis of 3 words is crazy but thats why i took so long to say them to you..
.so sweetie..."i love you"...and i know i will never regret saying it...

i guess my life is screwed by u.....
and the best part is i dont even think it was worth it turning back to u at tat period of time.....

some day when i'm
awfully low
when the world is cold
i will feel a glow
just thinking of you
and the way you look tonight

WiTh all this fire that burns between us
tHeRe'S so much to lose
YeT so much more to gain
aNd if only i could
ChOoSe the world around me
tHe world i'd choose
WouLd revolve around you

True love is like ghosts which everybody talks about
and few have seen.

papag,mamag,benSon!!,f*cker(one and only fighting partner),miss toenail-less,miss rotten toenails,and not forgetting,homer!!!
---- in my life there had always been some sunshine and some rain then u

Life can take you anywhere
you don't where it leads you
but you know ure not alone
just open ure eyes and see...
life is beautiful,its beautiful to me......

Relationship is like a story book....
We already know what the end would be,
however it is foolish man like me
who stll want to go deeper and deeper into it...
For me, would it be a happy ending

yea little boy
its hard to find love in this world of hate and pain
but thats what makes you better than them
you know theres love to be found
and as long as you keep searching
you havent given up

back at one.....e feelin is juz so GREAT~!!
thanks to sum horrible experiences we finally noe how deep our love is....
e beauty of love is runnin in my blood thru my body... thanks to my special sum1 ...
to my one n onli love....*MuAcKS* i love you, baby~!!

Misfits.Strangers.Liars.Friends.
Always imitated, Never duplicated
Everything is nothing & emptiness isn't everything

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying;
And the same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.
...Carpe diem

we haf no future, heaven wasnt made for me, we burn oursleves to hell, as fast as it can b, & i wish tt i could b e king,
den i noe tt im nt alone, maggots put on shirts, sell each other shit, sometimes i feel so worthless,
sometmes i feel discarded, i wish tt i was good enough, den i noe tt im nt alone
DEATH is e policeman DEATH is e priest DEATH is e stereo DEATH is e tv DEATH is a Tarot DEATH

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/Confusing
This lack of Self-Control I fear is never-ending
Controlling/I can't seem

Discomfort, Endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/Reacting
Against my will i stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how i can't seem...

I am in charge now, untill you find someone to replace me or until i get killed
I always get the shakes before a drop
I'm from Bueno Aires and I say kill'em all!
You got a Bug problem ma'am?
There is only ONE rule , Everyone fights NO ONE QUITS

The wave, soft murmuring
Wih the wind frolicking
Leaps up into the air
You see it treamble, hover
Tumble and topple over
It is the Sirens' fair.

I can't take your games anymore.You're hot one minute,you're cold the next.It makes me feel inadequate.
You're a hypocrite,and I don't associate with hypocrites.Oh please!
You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love, well here it is,right in front of you ..
and you're going to turn your back on it??
Well we're just f'ed.I'll move on.
.but you are going to spend the rest of your life knowing that you've turn your back on love and that makes you a hypocrite

I am single. I may be looking. Make a guess.

insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Hold me now..
Im six feet from the edge and im thinking
Maybe six feet aint so far down

Love is about sacrificing...
if u really love someone...
let him go... seeing that he is happy is enough...
possession does not symbolize love... it symbolizes jealousy and hatred...
Love is about giving...
Love exist...
believe in love and love will find it's way to u...

everyman dies, not everyman really lives

' You have got to love what's lovable and hate what's hateble. It takes brains to see the diffrence" - Robert Frost

" There are 2 worlds; the world that we can measure with line and rule, and the world that we feel with our hearts and imagination." - Leigh Hunt

" Nothing in life is to feared. It is only to be understood." - Marie Curie

i think i've already lost you
i think you're already gone.
i think i'm finally scared now
you think i'm weak - but i think you're wrong
i think you're already leaving

{ from e.e cummings - i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) }

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of

and i gif up foreva to touch you
cuz i know that u feel me somehow
u're the closest to heaven that i'll eva be
and i dun wanna go home rite now
and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is ur life
and sooner or later it's ova

Besame Besame mucho
como si fuera esta noche la ultima vez
Besame Besame mucho
que tengo miedo a perderte
perderte despues

what is life when you are dead inside and what is death when you have no life in you?
" my scars are all healing but my heart never will."

This may sound a little cliche, but there's not a day that passes by that I did not think of you.
I don't know if I do love you anymore, but whenever your name is mentioned, I can feel this little tug at my heart.
It seems to be telling me that the memories which we have shared are buried deep down there.
I guess I'd love to reminisce those precious memories, but never had the courage to.
Is there more pain or joy deep within, I do not know.

i'm just a girl. i'd rather not be
cos they don't let me drive late at night
i'm just a girl. take a good look at me.
just your typical prototype...

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I Got Ur Back, You Got Mine
I'll Help U Out, Anytime
To See U hurt, To See U Cry,
Makes Me Weep N Wanna Die
And If U Agree, To Never Fight.
It Wouldn't Never Matter, Whos Wrong Or Right
If A Broken Heart Need A Mend
I'll Be Right There To The End
If Ur Cheeks R Wet From Drops Of Tears
Don't U Worry Let Go Of Ur Fears, Hand In Hand
Love Is Sent We'll Be Friends Till The End

finally, i've reached here
i want to fly again, spread my wings
and soar with determination.
i won't just wait for tomorrow for someone to realise
i want to turn a round and let the past go away
for one day i know she will understand

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax -
Of cabbages - and kings -
And why the sea is boiling hot -
And whether pigs have wings."

"Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
To ignore the facts does not change the facts."
"Never put off till tomorrow to show the ones you love your affection.
In all of its genuine and glorious magnitude.
Throw away all pride and guard.
Banish all what-ifs. Don't live to regret.
You never know if there is a tomorrow."

I fEaRed d tRuTh tiLL i sAw uGlinEz iN LiEs...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
PrOmIsEs r nOt mEaNt 2 b bRoKeN..
BuT u tiNk dEy wErE..
MeNdEd hEaRts r nOt mEaNt 2 b bRokEn..
BuT u FeLt dEy wErE..
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i dRoPpEd a tEaR iN2 tHe OcEaN & UnTiL dEy fInD iT,
i'LL nEvA sToP LoViN' U..
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

" juz de other dae ...as i stared into de mirror....
it wasn"T de mirror dat shattered....
it was I dat shattered "

still remember the times when we were together... i really miss the good old times...

Once you have loved,
You will always love.
For what's in your mind
may escape,
But what's in your heart
will remain forever.

If I be on my death bed tomorrow, tell everyone I died for love and sorrow.

i guess... it matters most to someone when words are expressed subtly, gently and truthfully.
its those little things you do, those funny things u say that make me feel what no one else can make me feel.
you'll always make be the one in my heart and in my mind
and i'll always love you no matter what happens, unconditionally, undyingly.

I didn't want to admit it, It was easier to lie,
And hide the hurt and emptiness, To smile instead of cry.
I didn't want to face the fact, My life is full of pain,
And I long to stop my bleeding heart, And maybe smile again.
'Cause I feel oh-so-forgotten, So betrayed and so alone,
Without a trace of forgiveness, And no soul to call my own.
I didn't want to admit the fact, I cannot spread my wings,
And my happiness has melted, Into tears and other things.

They met at midnight
The orchestra struck up a tune
He asked her for a dance
The rest was magic
It was written in the stars...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our heart and we are never, ever the same.

sometimes love does'nt feel what it seems...

wish I could float away.. to some other day..

The deep of night is crept upon our talk
And nature must obey necessity,
Which we will niggard with a little rest.
There is no more to say?
No more.Good night.
Early tommorrow will we rise,and hence.

The glory of friendship
is not the outstretched hand,
nor the kindly smile,
nor the joy of companionship;
it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one
when he discovers that someone believes in him
and is willing to trust him with his friendship.

Lets be compassionate about everything
Like feeding food to homeless people
Or even saving poor lil' kittens
How I wish that everyone wouldn't act as though they're king
So that they'll think of those living in the slumps
God wants everyone to do a good deed
So let's make the world a better place instead

i go to school, but i never learn what i want to know..

»¦ Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love ¦«

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer

As long as you love someone,
The best thing that could happen to you,
Is if they love you the same way,
And with the same magnitude,
As you love them.

i'll always look back as i walk away
this memory will last for eternity
and all of our tears will be lost in the rain
when i've found the way back to your arms again
until that day...you know...you are

Lindz Rocks.
She is the ultimate sex god
She totally rocks my world

I was here but now i'm not
I went outside to smoke a pot
I left this note to prove a point
Life just sucks without a joint!

drugs,sex and rock n roll ,speed,weed and birth control
lifes a bitch until u die,so fuck the world and lets get high.

a walk thru life is just a walk to death!

If I should disappear today yet continue to exist....a true friend would hear my silence,
mourn my silence....and anxiously anticipate my reappearance ....

Dead for a thousand years,
A great terror arose from the deep,
It swept across the land,
A lone past still lingers,
Destiny cannot be denied,
A burden grows heavier,
To the kingdom of the sun,
Across a vast sea,
The journey home begins...

Love was not put in your heart to stay
Love isn't Love till you give it away

When you were born, everyone was laughing
and you were the only one crying.
Try to die laughing, while
everyone else is crying.

all of my hate cannot be found
i will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
so you can try to tear me down
beat me to the ground
i will see you screaming

2002-12-27T22:27:00.000-08:00

Artist: Dirty Vegas
Album: Dirty Vegas
Song: Days Go By (acoustic)
Tabbed by: Foley
*********************************************
Standard Tuning

Chords:
Dm (5 5 7 7 6 5)
G (3 5 5 4 3 3)
Gsus2 (3 3 5 5 3 3)
Gm (3 5 5 3 3 3)
Am (x 0 2 2 1 0)

Intro:
Dm G Gsus2 G Gm Dm Am

Dm
You
G GSus2 G
you're still a whisper on my lips
Gm
A feeling at my fingertips
Dm Am
That's pulling at my skin
Dm
You
G GSus2 G
leave me when I'm at my worst
Gm
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Dm Am
Bitter cold within

Dm Am G Gsus G
Days go by and still I think of you
Dm Am G Gsus G
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Dm Am G Gsus G
Days go by and still I think of you
Dm Am G Gsus G
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Gm
Without you
Without you

Dm G Gsus G
You are still a whisper on my lips
Gm
A feeling at my fingertips
Dm Am
That's pulling at my skin

Dm Am G Gsus G
Days go by and still I think of you
Dm Am G Gsus G
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Dm Am G Gsus G
Days go by and still I think of you
Dm Am G Gsus G
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Gm
Without you
You

2002-12-27T05:16:00.000-08:00

(missy)
this is for my ghetto mother fuckers(uh)

(nas)
escabar see me, all fights
i'm switchen gears, headlights shine so bright
bitches freeze like this, them fans want that d boys
bats and then decoys, back that heat boy
push you where you rest in peace boy
get your momma's house shot up
bodys all chopped up, when them bodys pop up
i ain't getting locked up
my bently cruise the block with a sun rooftop, hudrats
jumpin on my jaut cause i blew up the spot
crushin your benz, crushin your navigator system
my qbv's, make ya'll niggas tuck your shit in
its nas in your area, queens bout ta tear it up
brave heart ya'll scared of us
real niggas envious

(missy)
what's your name, cause I'm impressed (oh)
can you treat me good(oh), I won't settle for less
you a hot boy, a rock boy
a fun toy, tote a glock boy(ooh
where you live, is it by yourself(uh)
can I move wit' you, do you need some help
i cook boy, I'll give you more(mm)
i'mma fly girl, and I like those

(missy & lil' mo)
hot boyz
baby you got:what I want (what I want)
see cuz y'all be drivin' Lexus jeeps(yeah)
and the Benz jeeps(yeah), and the Lincoln jeeps(yeah da da do)
nothin' cheaper, got them Platinum Visa's

hot boyz (hot boyz)
baby you got what I want (what I want)
see cuz y'all be drivin' Jaguars
and the Bentley's, and the Rolls Royce
playin' hardballs wit' them Platinum Visa's

(missy)
is that your car, the SK-8
are you riding alone, can I be your date
come get me, get me, don't dis me, don't trick me
got some friends, can they come too?
can you hook them up wit' some boyz like you
a hot boy, a rock boy, on top boy
and I like those

[missy & lil' mo]
hot boyz
baby you got:what I want
see cuz y'all be drivin' Lexus jeeps
and the Benz jeeps, and the Lincoln jeeps
nothin' cheaper, wit' them Platinum Visa's

hot boyz
baby you got what I want
see cuz y'all be drivin' Jaguars
and the Bentley's, and the Rolls Royce
playin' hardball wit' them Platinum Visa's

(eve)
yo, only take them thugged out, slightly bugged out
fuck with his tongue out
know the job aint gettin' done, till the bodys gettin drug out
hot boy, keep me right
play your part and i'll keep it tight
where else you gonna be in the middle of the night
but up in the sheets with me aight
gangsta true to ya gang, street master
you the one i need when this beat street blasta
aint afraid to stop a cat, plus pop a cat
soldier cash money, rule your world, who's toppin that
s-4-3-0 keep me on my toes get a tingle in my spine
what spot only he knows, he's a hot boy
missy singin out and im gonna spit it
ruff ryder, scream it loud, daddy is you wit it
if your team cant handle my bitches, then we gonna ride
rookout, stallions, keep thugs open wide, illidells best
e-v-e state: commited, mess with many
but if he aint the reala i aint wit it wit it

(q-tip)
yo, mammie what the deal
aint no heat fuckin hotta than the heat a nigga hold
i think you really should be told, that i deal with long shafts
keep a long blast, now look at a nigga(yeah) peel all fast
word you got your girlfriend(word) she can get it too
fuck it tho i'm honest yo im sayin, always play it through
gettin sinamatic with it, niggas if you got it hit
fuck the dumbness, hit it till its numbness

[missy & lil' mo]
hot boy (hot boy)
baby you got what I want (all I want)
won't you really come and satisfy me (come and satisfy me)
i be lovin' you like endlessly
(Everyday all day)

hot boy (mmm baby)
baby you got what I want (all I want)
won't you really come and satisfy me (come and satisfy me)
i be lovin' you like endlessly
(Oh, yes I will)

2002-12-26T10:28:00.000-08:00

Tell me What you want

Tell me what you want (repeat 5x)

Chorus:

Tell me what you want from me
Take a look at what you see
Let me know if this right here
Somethin you can have for years
Tell me what you want from me
Take a look at what you see
Let me know if this right here
Something you can have for years

Mase:

Now Mase be the man wanna see you doin good
I don't wanna get rich, leave you in the hood
Girl in my eyes you the baddest
The reason why I love you, you don't like me cause my status
I don't wanna see you with a carriage living average
I wanna do my thing so we be established
And I don't want you rockin in Paris
girl I wanna give you carats till you feel you a rabbit
Anything in your path you want you can have
Walk through the mall, if you like you can grab
Total it all up and put it on my tab
Then tell all your friends all the fun you had

Chorus

Mase:

Hey Mama, won't you come here to Papa?
You don't like the way your tata's lookin at Shada?
In a 600 ain't no smokin cigada
Come over here I think i see your baby fadda
Here goes the number to my casa
If you in a rush you call me manana
Whatever you need girlfriend I got the whole enchilada
Just the way you like it Mase gonna do you propa
Girl I can tell you was meant for me
I can tell by the way you was sent to me
While I'm on tour trying to make them centuries
And they ask who your man you better mention me
If you dont you know you got a problems
If you want no beef girlfriend dont start none
And it just so happens that I'm seing cash
Cause you messed up a lot just trying to be phat
And I aint gonna ask who smashed the E-Class
Pull up to the crib with the whole front crashed
Now you wanna laugh and think thats the past
If you ever lie again girl that will be your last

Chorus

Mase:

Now the more you treat me royal I adore you
That's why I dont mind doing these things for you
You did things for me I wouldn't believe you did
That's why I always want to keep you here
In a year or two girl I could see you with my kids
Girl you make a thug want to get a legal gig
It's only right we spend our lonely nights
Gettin crazy biz till we awake the kids
Don't get to loud got respect for you honey
But keep it all real you come second to my money
Can you be my ghetto love prophecy?
Everybody love you girl not just me
And I know that you really care a lot for me
I want to see you happy even if it's not with me

Chorus fades

2002-12-26T10:27:00.000-08:00

Hey ma

[Cam'ron and Women]
Hey ma (what's up) lets slide (alright) alright
And we gonna get it on tonight
You smoke (I smoke) I drink (me too) well good
Cuz we gonna get high tonight
Got drops (got Coupes) got Trucks (got Jeeps) alright
Cuz we gonna take a ride tonight,
So ma (what's up) let's slide (alright) alright
And we gonna get it on tonight

(Juelz Santana)
Now I was downtown clubbin, ladies night,
Seen shorty she was crazy right,
And I approach baby like,
Ma, What's your age and type?,
She looked at me and said you's a baby right?,
I told her, I'm 18 and live a crazy life
Plus I'll tell you what the 80's like,
And I know what the ladies like,
Need a man that's polite, listens and takes advice,
I could be all three, plus I can lay the pipe,
Come with me come stay the night,
She looked at me laughin', like boy your game is tight,
I'm laughin back like sure you're right,
Get in the car,
And don't touch nothin', sit in the car,
Lets discuss somethin',
Either we lovin or I'll see you tomorrow,
Now we speedin' up the westside,
Hand creepin' up her left side, ready to do it,
Ready to bone, ready for dome,
55th exit, damn, damn already we home,
Now let's get it on

Hey ma (what's up) lets slide (alright) alright
And we gonna get it on tonight
You smoke (I smoke) I drink (me too) well good
Cuz we gon get high tonight
Got drops (got Coupes) got Trucks (got Jeeps) alright
Cuz we gon take a ride tonight,
So ma (what's up) let's slide (alright) alright
And we gonna get it on tonight

(Cam'ron)
Now that I got a girl, my ex wanna holla and spit,
Told me to acknowledge her quick,
She like Cam stop frontin',
On that Dave Hallister tip,
Come over lets swallow and sip,
I'm like momma that's it,
I promise you dick, usually have a problem with chicks,
They all say i'm rotten and rich,
But not her, boo be's real,
High heel dooby feel, plus got them gucci nails, uh,
You a cutie still, and this my down girl too,
Ain't no groupie deal,
We left the movies with Uzies, Suzuki wheels,
To the jacuzzi, I tell you my boo be's real,
I mean she do be winning, louie spinnin,
Go to the crib she got the gucci linen,
I see boo be grinning,
She looked and said Cam, I know that you be sinnin',
Naw, I'm a changed man, look at the range mam,
I got a whole new game plan,
Looked and said that's nothing but game Cam,
She was right; she was up in the range man,
Droped her off at the L, now I'm flippin' the cell,
That's right I had to call up L,

(Cam and Juelz together)
Yo L, what up, I hit, what else, plus dome, say word,
And we got it on tonight

Hey ma (what's up) lets slide (alright) alright
And we gonna get it on tonight
You smoke (I smoke) I drink (me too) well good
Cuz we gon get high tonight
Got drops (got Coupes) got Trucks (got Jeeps) alright
Cuz we gon take a ride tonight,
So ma (what's up) let's slide (alright) alright
And we gonna get it on tonight

2002-12-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

03 bonnie and clyde

Uhh uhh uhh.
You ready B? Let's go get 'em..

[Verse 1: Jay-Z]
Look for me! Young, B
Cruisin down the westside - high, way
Doing what we like to do - our, way
Eyes behind shades, this necklace the reason
all of my dates been blind dates
But today, I got my thoroughest girl wit me
I'm mashin the gas, she's grabbin the wheel, it's true to the heart
She rides with me - the new Bobby and Whitney
Only time we don't speak is during "Sex and the City"
She gets Carrie fever, but soon as the show is over
She's right back to being my soldier
Cuz mami's a rider, and I'm a roller
Put us together, how they gon' stop both us?
What ever she lacks, I'm right over her shoulder
When I'm off track mami is keepin me focused
So let's, lock this down like it's supposed to be
The '03 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov' and B
Holla

[Chorus]
[Jay] All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend.
[Bey] Down to ride to the very end, it's me and my boyfriend.
[Jay] All I need in this life of sin, is me and my girlfriend.
[Bey] Down to ride to the very end, it's me and my boyfriend.

[Verse 2: Jay-Z]
The problem is, you dudes treat the one that you lovin
with the same respect that you treat the one that you humpin
Now they 'bout nothin - if ever you mad about somethin
It won't be that; oh no it won't be that
I don't be at, places where we comfy at
With no be-atch; oh no you won't see that
And no, I ain't perfect - nobody walkin this earth's surface is
But girlfriend, work with the kid
I keep you workin at Hermes, Burkin bag,
Manolo Blahnik Timbs, aviator lens
600 drops, Mercedes Benz
The only time you wear Burberry to swim
And I don't have to worry, only worry is him
She do anything necessary for him
And I do anything necessary for her
so don't let the necessary occur, yep!

[Chorus]

[Beyonce]
(Talk to 'em B)
If I was your girlfriend
I'll be there for you, if somebody hurts you
Even if that somebody was me
Yeah-hee (break it down for 'em B)
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be
And so I put this on my life
Nobody or nothing will ever come between us
And I promise I'll give my life
my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend
Put this on my life
The air that I breathe in, all that I believe in
I promise I'll give my life
my love and my trust if you was my boyfriend

2002-12-26T09:58:00.000-08:00

Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore.

Hey you, are me, not so pretty,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
Silent my voice, I've got no choice
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't see, anymore,
I don't hear, anymore,
I don't speak anymore,
I don't feel.

Hey you, see me, pictures crazy,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,
I've got, nothing, to gain, to lose,
All the world I've seen before me passing by,

You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore,
You don't care about how I feel,
I don't feel it anymore
I don't sleep, anymore,
I don't eat, anymore,
I don't live anymore,
I don't feel.

Is gut!

2002-12-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

christmas has brought me nothing but hell.

this is the worst xmas im having in my entire fucking god damn life..

first it starts when i come home from xmas shopping w mark...
walking back to my house with presents totalling up to 200 plus... thats the first strike... i now only haf 287 left in my account.. and its december 27th...
on december 6 i had 858... excludint the presents... i spent 371 dollars in 21 days... thats bout 18 bucks a day.
and to make things worse... i didnt go out every fucking day.. each time i go clubbing... i spent at least 50 bucks...
and its not that i dont mind paying for the xmas gifts.. hell i bought 8 prezzies for 200.. thats reasonable if you ask me..
the mogus cost 119... hope you all enjoy em.. but im not complaining lah....... wad i am so god damed pissed about is...

I FUCKING WOKE UP TODAY AT 1130.. TO GO THE TOILET... ON MY WAY BACK TO THE ROOM... THE PHONE FUCKING RINGS...
AND ITS THE POLICE DUDE WHO 'ARRESTED ME' THAT NIGHT AT ILLUSIONZ. SAYS I HAVE TO FUCKING GO DOWN TO TANGLIN POLICE STATION
COS CUSTOMS WANTS TO SPEAK TO US... WE FACE A FINE OF UP TO 300 DOLLARS..... DO I FUCKING LOOKI LIKE I HAVE 300 DLOOARS TO YOU... GOD DAMN IT POLICE... LIKE MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS LAH...PLUS I HAVE TO GO FOR COUNCELLING... AND IM HOPING THEY WONT FUCKING TELL MY PARENTS... COS IF THEY DO I AM SO GOD DAMNED FUCKING DEAD. PLUS SEEING SO LITTLE MONEY LEFT IN MY ACCOUNT THEY ARE PROBABLY GOING TO KILL ME ALREADY WHEN MY MOM TOPS UP MY ACCOUNT ON NEXT MONTH... I SPENT 400 LAST MONTH AND GOT FUCKING SCREWED...
SHE SAID SOMETHING LIKE WHAT DO I RAISE YOU UP FOR? JUST TO KEEP SPENDING MONEY ISSIT... DONT KNOW WHAT MY FATHER SAID ALSO.. BUT IT FUCKING HURT... TO SEE THEM SO DISAPPOINTED IN ME... BUT ITS TRUE I HAVE LET THEM DOWN IN EVERY FUCKING WAY POSSIBLE...

PLUS ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT i wanted to goover to my frens house for a mini gathering... but my parents insisted that i go home straight away
and that pissed me off cos i thiught everybody would be going..... and i would be the onli loser that was not... ppl in church dont even know me any more.. this good friend of mine who used to be my mentor when i was in charge of childrens liturgy thought i was even goin into the army alrd... have i fucking vhanged that much.. then my other fren saw my disagreement with my parents and he was like why so glum.. no more parties for you issit?... i swear man... i dont belong there any more.. gone where the days when i was looked upon by everybody... as the faithful leader of the childrens liturgy.. the role model for the kids.. the one whom everybody respected... now.. its just down to jack shit. i was the the one all the kids loved.. i was the one who could control them.. they liked me... then i kinda left and so did everything else......

and the worst part is when i went home i just fucking locked myself in the room the whole night.. dont know why i was sooo pissed with my parents... just kept on thinking.. thinking bout stuff they said to me before... thinking how unfair it is of them to always be so prejudiced against my group of church frens... my father even said that i loved mark more than him........ i mean what kinda fuckied up argument is that????... i fucking hate mark for a shit load of things but im not letting it show cos hes one of the few good frens i have.. but hes pretty fucked up sometimes too.......... we had a lot of shit together.. good and horrible and nasty...and fucking nasty.. he practically screwed
my love life... all those nights of bitterness for nothing.. just dying to talk to her or hear something nice from her... just her voice.. or her smile.. obsession... now im scared of girls.. its true.. you fucknign happy..... so scared to committ.. dont even dare to new ones ask out on dates.... just fucking lost it.. but she fucking played me too.... sigh..... and she had to make it ugly by ending it in such a trivial and fucked up way......... never forgive the both of you.. but then why the hell am i still so pathetic... clingin on to his friendship and the memory of her...
i feel like im gonna die and all my memories are flashing past me.. and kailun i s asking me bout songs now... no real mood anymore.. my music my life is ending.. december.. such a bitter month of r me... even when music is concerned.. my md fucking drained the enthusiasm out of me... fucking took so long to rec those 8 disks and it just got erased in a blink of an eye... even erased my red hot chili peppers live in singapore disc.. which i took soo much damn trouble to record.... i am so fucking pissed with it co this md was my dream come true.. the technology of being able to rec fast and with good quality and it disappointed me so much.. and i dont knowwad the fucking hell i did wrong.. there was nothing wrong.. but it just refuses to work... very very frustrating... drove me up the wall.. even made me such a foul mood that i argued wit my mother over it... she who deosnt know anyting about computers giving advice and scolding me on a wrong account.. how irritating is that.. its like not helping at all.... she says stuff like must gif the computer a rest.. turn it off and go do smthn else... and she keeps on insisting that the machine i tired... hmmm.... so i do anyway.. the next day it still doesnt work...and she comes up wit some other shit... its just damn annoying.. heree you are so pissed and she not helping.. and when i tell her tat she scolds me for being rude and ungrateful.... and if theres one thing i fucking hate the most.. is to be scolded for no god damn reason.
yeah.. and that night when my room was locked.. was blasting heavy metal.. just brought back the memories.. of when i tried to do smthn stupid to myself... but didnt at the last moment and just smasehd up my whole lego models... and broke down crying.... like crazy.. and it was because of that girl... that girl which ruined my life... i didnt do it that night cos i told myself to give it another chance... theres always that possibility that something good might happen... that was mid sec4 i think... till now... nothing has... everyday i tell myself.. that theres always that possiblility just have to wait for it.. cos if youre gone.. you wont know if you have missed it... and the longer i wait.. the more i feel like i am living in a lie... a lie that just keeps on just being there... this december and november.. i practically had no idea how the days past.. didnt even know wad day i was living in sometimes.... it was just a blur.. was it the highlife.... i dont know... but i think so... its my retribution time i guess........ for all the people ive fucked.. esp my parents... cos they feel so much hate for me.. i think its disappointment though.. i just god damn hate it when they say things like i wish you were never born... you were the most troublesome and painful to give birth to.. and i dont blame you mom.. i have let you down i guess... didnt live up to ur idealities of wad you had for me... first i was such a pain to give birth too.. i made you lose your figure... i dont know.. somehow i sense that theres a certain anger you have towards me... for making your life so difficlut and you getting nothing from me in return... daddy also keeps on repeatin in quarrels that your mother quit her job 17 years ago to ook aft you and this is wad you ave become... they are always saying that i have let them down hurt them on purpose in so many ways... she always fucking shouts ni me liang xin... like its really my fault... im onli 17 wad the fuck do i know... how haf i hurt you ma?... in my behaviour.. you are always so angry at me everytime i dont spend time with the family... and in this hols... you and da always get so fuckied up when i sleep late.. like wad the hell...... you wanna know how bad it and ugly it gets... i get so much abuse... psychlogically.. that i really feel like ending my life there and then sometimes.. but then again.. die over sleep late issue... not worth it... when did this all start... why must my parents be so fucking against me... i always tell myslef... its not their fault.. im the first child that why you dont know shit on how to bring me up... im your experiment... so i forgive you...... but i feel that you never accept me for who i am....... for wad i want to do... there was a period of time you even hated me for spending so much time on the guitar... hated me for playing soo much pool... and then you buy me a pool cue..... the irony of it... hated me for always chatting online at night... hated me for using my handphone at the dinner table... or in public or when waiting for food at restaurants.. you hate it soo much taht you even had to make such a big god damn fuss over it last night at dinner... i will continue doing it cos you have to understand that the hp has to be used.... ok... now you hate me again cos jon and can are also doing it... you hate it when i use it in the car... always fucking threatening to throw our damn thing away... and its always over trivial stuff.. like i was just replyin an sms or just mayb playn snake for just a while.. soetimes..even when i take it out to check the time.... you hate everything i do so much............... my life style.. staying over at frens place... frens staying over somethimes(church ppl esp)...the goin out and coming back late.... missing dinner at home.. talking on the phone... playing pool... going cyclin at night or goin to jk to eat prata... messing ard with my md.... reading my mags...mixing ard wit church ppl... leaving my hair long or spiking it up too high... playing cards to much... learning how to play mahjong(it got ugly when they found out i learnt how to pay)..... freakin out when you leave the country... insisting that we go on family vacations... and we still end up fightin there as we do at home.. always because you dont kike the way we brothers play wit our sister... flicking and tickling and poking and burping and farting and she clawing and screaming at us.... you hate it each time she screams.... you hate it each time we 'touch' her... what the hell... you practically hate me for being alive... you hated it when i went to church for my childrens liturgy meeitngs.. hated it when i go out to play soccer or basket ball wit my church frens... its like you practically hated me when i became a teenager... even when young you hated it when i would go over to steph hse... or when i wanted to skip sch....
you hate everything i do... even hated my trg sometimes.... you hate almost everythin i do... except studying.... hate it when i watch mtv.. turn the music loud or for even listening to music sometimes.... yu just hate veryting i do besides... me studying........ and getting good grades.... then what? you can boast to ur frens that my son was one of the top 10value added students in sji... he got 8 pts.. was in trip science... oh yah.. even hated it when i complained bout my bio teacher... saying that its my fault im not learning not hers... hated it when i came hoem everyday from rj with a sulky face.... i got into ur dream sch... but was it my dream sch? and you always slap me in face saying im not gonna give you a single cent next time when you grow up... you jolly well work for it...nice words of encouragement there.... always saying that im taking life to easy... wishing that we were not rich so i had nothing to want.... nice words.. there dad... and all you EVER talk to me about is studying... and doin well.... NEVER about anything else.... and so yeah...
that night when you stormed into my room to lower the volume.. as usual you said.. you better think ok.... we cant always be there for you like that... wake up ok....
i didnt fucking ask you to come into the room... to unlock the fucking door.... and wad has that got to do wit goin to my frens place?
and one of ur agurments why you didnt let me go out was because the previous nite was the stay over... and you werent exactly happy when i went out for prata w my frens as usaul cos it was 2 in the morn... and cos i was sick.. the latter i can accept but not the former... that one makes no fucking sense.. wad.. one day sleep late so the next must sleep early?? erm.. hello??.. when i was piahing for my Os.. i slept at 3 every night.. and you didnt complain.... or when i did well for my Os aft the results came out.. june was late nights also and i dont rem it getting ugly.......
coming to the sick part.. i was so angry that i was unsick...
but yes..it was lousy.. spent the whole aft buying gifts and queing up and wad do i get in return.. fall sick.
such a fucked up cold that i couldnt taste any of my xmas dinner.... it was very bad... havent ahd one so bad for a while...and i also rem.. you used to hate me for having pimples... always scolding me for how ugly my face was.... dont you think it hurts? hearing this kinda thing from ur own parents... stuff like.. wasted so much money on ur face and still its like that... you know.. its like my fault tht i have pimples... you think i even want them?? but now its better so thats stopped
xmas night.. the more i thought about all this the angrier i got.. dont even know if its the correct word.. all the feeling sooo pent up inside of me...
i punched the cupboard so damn hard 3 time with both fists until the right one swell until the last two knuckles couldnt be seen... but its better now alrd.. other thing also bugged me that night... my patheticness when it came to love........... so many feelings of jealousy all pent up.... of denial.. of having to accept the rejection...
so many thoughts.. confused and painful thoughts.... jealousy and rage.. thoughts of all the girls i tried..... but failed... i think they could sennse it too.... that im just someone whos kinda despo.... some say that i even went out of my league... pathetic miserable life...
when will she come...... cant wait for ever.... met up with this other gal i met at embassy... looked diff from that night.. for obvious reasons i guess... but to good side to her that she had a very nice and sweet personality which i liked... the other gal limins fren.... stopped talking to her long ago;.. shes online now.. but i know i dont captivate her or interest her.....tough luck for me i guess... i basically had a crush on every gal i met.. ok... not gonna disclose names to spare the embarasment... yah.. almost every gal.... sometimes even mistake friendship for love.... the sucker i am...
to make things worse... i went to bed at 4 finally and get that call from that police son of a bitch... why cant customs just let it go?..
if my parents find out.... i dont have to say anything.. go figure
and von hasnt msged me today either... looks like its endin.. cos mayb she can sense it too...
im just a fucked up jerk... but i always get walked and trempled on... and when try to stop it im a jerk i guess....

christmas was hell for me... upset my parents... fell sick... mayb even kinda let down a girl.. and the police at my back... financial crisis.... a 17 teen year old boys life was not supposed to be like this... never meant to suffer so much in 2 days....
it was meant to be like clean fun... good grades.. model student.. sports excellence... wide network of close frens... good family relations... saves money... get his first steady girl friend...... someone who has matured.......

but thats not me..... i guess i grew up too fast... and now... im having a hard time catching up.

2002-12-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

LIKE A STONE

On a cobweb afternoon
In a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess
I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading how we'll die alone
If we're good we lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone

On my deathbed I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The wine was bled
And there you led me on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone

And on I read
Until the day was gone
And I sat in regret
Of all the things I've done
For all that I've blessed
And all that I've wronged
In dreams until my death
I will wander on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there like a stone
I'll wait for you there alone
Alone

LYN

i lost my heart on a monday
and i´m still ripped off and passed out
too much alcohol and weed shot my ass out
one of these girlies made my day for real
and i´ve got to tell you a little sum about the way that i feel
i don´t know how old she was but it doesn´t matter
i know that they do it better
no older woman can do it the way they do
fuck more experience when they choose you
i just cannot explain why these girlies always hit me like an a-train
with their buttersoft skin and their curly hair
they try to look innocent,but they are always up to sin

l-y-n

they knock you out at the drop of the dime
first eye contact yo that´s the moment when you wanna die
but when you take a look downsouth
you´ll see a hell of a body on the way to blast your eyes out.
drinking brew after school , kissing ex-friends girlfriends
hands always where this skirt ends
they wanna make you hot, no doubt!
and you wanna take a shot, no doubt!
wicked games that´s the way how they wanna play
naughty thoughts and a surprise under their shorts
at any given time she wants to do you, screw you
use and abuse you like she´s always used to
yo! you can run but you cannot hide
you´re a two-second-brother when your hips collide

you know who we´re talking about, no doubt!
the little young nastees, no doubt!

l-y-n

2002-12-11T06:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes to find the truth...
you have to take a look at what has gone by....

2002-12-11T06:48:00.000-08:00

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
( Running through my head )
( Running through my head )
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
Running through my head
( All the things she said... )
This is not enough

I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help, it's only because
Being with you, has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?

I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free
(Nobody else so we can be free)

All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
(Running through my head)
(Running through my head)
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
Running through my head
(All the things she said)
This is not enough
(Ya Soshla S Uma...a...)
(This is not enough)

All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
All the things she said

And I'm all mixed up
Feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault
But I want her so much
Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face
Wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare don't worry me
‘Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head

All the things she said, she said
All the things she said
All the things she said
runing through my head

Mo... ther... looking at me
Tell me, what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind

Da... ddy... looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?

All the things she said...........

Love Will Come Through

If I told you a secret
You won't tell a soul
Will you hold it and keep it alive
Cause it's burning a hole
And I can't get to sleep
And I can't live alone in this lie

So look up
Take it away
Don't look da-da-da- down the mountain

If the world isn't turning
Your heart won't return
Anyone, anything, anyhow

So take me don't leave me
Take me don't leave me
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you

Well I stand at the crossroads
Of highroads and lowroads
And I got a feeling it's right

If it's real what I'm feeling
There's no makebelieving
The sound of the wings of the flight of a dove

Take it away
Don't look da-da-da down the mountain
If the world isn't turning
Your heart won't return anyone anything anyhow...

So take me don't leave me
Take me don't leave me
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you

So look up
Take it away
Don't look da-da-da- down

If the world isn't turning
Your heart won't return anyone anything anyhow...

So take me don't leave me
Take me don't leave me
Baby, love will come through it's just waiting for you

Love will come through
Love will come through
Love will come through

2002-12-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

Samba do Soho

Quando ando pelo Soho
Eu me lembro da Gamboa
Ai, ai, ai, que coisa louca
Ai meu Deus que coisa boa

Por ali no peu
Donga fez o samba
no batuque do povo
de Angola de Luanda

Quem não sabe o que é saudade
não conhece esse dilema
não provou desse veneno
numca teve uma morena

Ai mue Deus que bom
te encontrar nessa cidade
quando dobro a esquina
dou de cara com a saudade

Ai, ai, ai, que coisa louca
ai mu Deus que coisa boa
Ai, ai, ai, que coisa louca
ai mu Deus que coisa boa

When I walk around Soho
I remember Gamboa
There's a feeling. There's a beat
That hugs me like a boa

Walking by the docks
Donga made the Samba
In the rhythm of the peaple
From Angola, from Luanda

Suffering the longing the wonderful dilemma
Falling in the trap of the beautiful morena
Oh it feels so good kissing you in the cinema
Now we're getting down in Soho
Sandals, beats and no problem

Ai ai ai qui coisa louca
Ai meu Deus qui coisa boa
Ai ai ai qui coisa louca
Ai meu Deus qui coisa boa

2002-12-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

Quiet nights of quiet stars
quiet chords from my guitar
floating on the silence that surrounds us

Quiet thoughts and quiet dreams
Quiet walks by quiet streams
and a window that looks out on Corcovado
Oh, how lovely
A sweet song, a guitar
This love, A song
To make happy whom is loved.

Much calm to think
And have time to dream
From the window, Corcovado can be seen
The Redeemer, how beautifull!

I want life to always be like this.
With you right next to me
'till the love ends.

And I who was sad
Having lost faith in this world
I found you and then I knew
o what happiness is, my love

2002-12-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

Through early morning fog I see
The visions of the things to be.
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize, and I can see.....

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card, I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skin
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it brim..

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
"Is it to be, or not to be?"
And I replied, "why ask me?"

But suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

And you can do the same thing if you please

2002-12-10T07:58:00.000-08:00

Good Day For Dying (eskobar)

I walked around
people passed
the sun went down
it changes fast

and through my days
I've found some ways
to hide my thoughts
but what's the cost
and if I may leave a trace
just pretend.

it's such a good day for dying
but still I've never been crying
so maybe I should be waiting
for god and me to be dating

2002-12-10T07:54:00.000-08:00

Under the bridge

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry

I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me winded
I never worry, now that is a lie.

Well, I don't ever want to feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
I don't ever want to feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way, yeah, yeah, yeah

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love, the city she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry

Soul to Squeeze

I got a bad disease
Up from my brain is where I bleed
Insanity it seems
Has got me by my soul to squeeze

Well all the love from me
With all the dying trees I scream
The angels in my dreams, yeah
Have turned to demons of greed that's me

Where I go I just don't know
I got to -got to - gotta take it slow
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Today love smiled on me
It took away my pain, said please
I'll let your ride be free
You gotta let it be oh yeah

Where I go I just don't know
I got to god I gotta take it slow
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Oh so polite indeed
Well I got everything I need
Oh make my days a breeze
And take away my self-destruction

It's a bitter berry and its very sweet
I'm on a roller coaster
But I'm on my feet
Take to the river lay me on your shore
'Cuz I'll be comin' back baby I'll be comin' back for more

Diddle doddle ding a zing a zong zong a zing a zoma zoma zoma con don bing
I can not forget but I will not endeavor simple pleasure are more special but I wont regret it never

Where I go I just don't know
I got to god I gotta take it slow
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time

Where I go I just don't know
I might end up somewhere in Mexico
When I find my peace of mind
I'm gonna keep it for the end of time

2002-12-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

Dont forget me

I'm a ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you want to re-assume
Now we know it all for sure

I'm a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall
Up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'm a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way

I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of
Everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don't forget me
I can't hide it
Come again make me excited

I'm an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure

I could show you
To the free field
Overcome and more
Will always be revealed
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don't forget me
I can't hide it
Come again get me excited

I'm the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure

Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

2002-12-10T07:48:00.000-08:00

SCAR TISSUE

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view

Push me up against the wall
Young Kentucky Girl in a push-up bra
Fallin' all over myself
To lick your heart and taste you health 'cause
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view…

Blood loss in a bathroom stall
Southern girl with a scarlet drawl
Wave good-bye to ma and pa 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view

Soft spoken with a broken jaw
Step outside but not to brawl and
Autumn's sweet we call it fall
I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view…

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view

2002-12-10T07:44:00.001-08:00

GONG LI (rhcp)
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's true, things that you're going through
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's you, things that you're going through,
Some people sad I pray for,
No one you want to live, the eyes that once were his
Some people sad I pray for,
The way you want to live, the eyes you want to give

Some people say you played me,
I don't care if it's true, I'm waiting here for you,
Some people say you made it,
I'm not afraid to know, when things are getting low
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's true, things that you're going through
Some people say you hate me,
I don't believe it's you, things that you're going through

2002-12-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

GET SOME SLEEP ( bic runga)

From here to there to everywhere,
and back to Union Square,
Where do I get some sleep?
Anywhere the sleep dust lies, it decorates your eyes
When do I get some sleep?

Stranded in June
Whistling the same old tune
But I do believe I might be having fun
(believe I might be having fun)
But I do believe I might be having fun
(believe I might be having fun)

Impeccably dressed in your second-hand best
We were waiting for the taxi to come.

Putting my daytime eyes,
a good enough disguise until I get some sleep
Reading out the horrorscopes and using up our jokes
When do we get to sleep?

Stand on the moon, find the light of my living room
Yes I do believe I might be having fun
(believe I might be having fun)
I believe I might be having fun
(believe I might be having fun)

Tune into the station, make a dedication
This is going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone

Something in the phrasing was quietly amazing
We were waiting for the chorus to come
This is going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone

From here to there to everywhere,
and back to Union Square,
Where do I get some sleep?
Anywhere the sleep dust lies it decorates your eyes
When do I get some sleep?

Stranded in June
Whistling the same old tune
But I do believe I might be having fun
(believe I might be having fun)
But I do believe I might be having fun
(believe I might be having fun)

Tune into the station, make a dedication
This is going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone

Something in the phrasing was quietly amazing
We were waiting for the chorus to come
This is going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone
Going out to everyone
This is going out to everyone

2002-12-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

what does a boy have to do to find love?

what does a boy have to do to fit in?

what does a boy have to do......................

last nite will mark the last time i live thepurplehighlife(for real)....
think ill wait till next year to do it again.... or hope at least one more time for the new years eve,,,,,,

was a bad nite last night....... over spent again.....
i can account at all for my money..... drew forty........
but still ended up borrowing 15 in the end.....

well you can say that now ive almost tried everything... so there has to be a limit.... and i guess this is it........
started the day of by goin to make the fake id...... was boasting to my friends and all...... (now theyll just think im a dumb ass.....)
was such a mother fucking troublesome process.......
had to waste 8 bucks on 4 fuck instant passport size photos......
but lamination was only 1 buck.....
so you see..... ive got a fake id too!!!

never got to use it though.....

we went to this club call illusionz......
it took over orange.....
got n for free man....... paid ZERO!
how many asses are smart enuff to do that?
but if course drinks had to pay urself..... but later on that nite..... we got a few more free drinks... cos some of my friends galfriends gave em to us....
but b4 tht i ha a tequila 7 up...... n chicken wings..... was pretty reasonable.... 13 bucks....
then the club was bloody god damn playin retro music...................... just a god dman turn off.......
played very retro and pop the whole fucking nite till it happend.....
was trying to dance to some shit retro song......
then it suddenly ended and the lights came on.. the cops came...
and we were questioned.....
was quite unlucky ....... cos he got suspicious when he saw two of my frens according to him flushed.....
i wasnt question.... but since i was with em.. we all had our ics taken......
thank god i didnt drink enuff or fag..... cos i was pretty normal.....
if i was high.........................................................................
we were outside and we got questioned everything and all........
asked us why we were there........
how we got in...
they were pretty surprised tht we got in wo being asked for id and more surprised when they found out we could order drinks from the bar......
i swear i was so freaking scared at that point in time..... cos if my parents found out.... i would just be fucking dead.......
never hear the end of it from them....
trust me...... if you had a mother like mine..... youd wanna piss in your pants.. during the questionin......
the guy who was quetionin me was like so care free.......
asked where i studied.....
how many siblings....
where i stayed.....
how much i drank and wad i drank..
who i came with...
how i go in......
and triesd to lighten up the mood.....
of ocurse i was in no fucking mood to feel light.....
just one word in my head.....
parents......
i swear........
he wrots down my whole statement....
and warned that i could be fined 50 or 300 bucks......
and like when it finally ended,,,,,,
he said.....
i quote....
we are not gonna tell your school
or fine you......
its just a routine spot check we're doing.......
and we are gonna let you off this time........
anyway its onli 3 months to ur bday.....
just take this as an experience
(fucker)
then heres the best part........
my friends dragged me in to dance again,,,,,
yes! we still got in!!!
amazing!!
so fucked up!!
my frens said they take our statements to use as evidence and fucking sue the club.......
well i kinda knew..... it would come to this one day.....
when i started to having to find fake ids all the time.... and could no longer just walk in.....
not like the first half of the year...... and much earlier in nov.......
getting stricter by the fucking day..
well good luck to you underage guys out there.....
just pray tht when you go you dont get caught....
cos its random.......
so you ahaf a 50% escape rate.......
up to you to take the gamble......
and trust me...... dont
DONT fucking produce ur fake ids..... they can fucking tell.....
the guys was like bending our ics to make sure even they were real
i had 3 fake ids on me that nite..............................
lucky thet didnt frisk or check.......

and so yeah... once we were in........ the lousy dj still playin his fucking retro and pop......
how to dance and forget my troubles....
so when he finally played some rock..... just head banged all the way...
but who plays fucking guns and roses.... or rock and roll at a jc party,,,,,,
i swear i really wanted to kill the dj,,,,,,
then he was talkind cock summore.......
and he kept on dissing our school.....
i swear the dj is one fucjing bastard,,,,,,,,,,,
keeps on repeatin his lousy songs and his trash talk.....
i really swear the dj is a god damn faggot.......
the losuiest dj ive heard in all my bloody life,,,,
doesnt know how to join songs,,,,, or continue the beat or rhythm...........
wad a shitty nite to end it all..........................
didnt dance with any girls......
but kept my hands to mysleef the whole night,,,,,
i was sober.......
as usual....
the girls are not attracted to me at all....
it would be nice though sometimes....
but cos im not cute or hunky,,,, so i guess its my fault then,,,,
last part there was some r n fucking b finally..... but he played onli 4 songs.....
wads love.... put in on me...... family affair... and dilema..
doesnt know his stuff at all..... the faggot dj..........
got to dance w thisolder girl for a while.... but that was all.. just facing her.......
i just rem.... to let me prove a point how god damn lousy the dj is..............
who mixes PRODIGY..... with kylie minogue??????

wad does a boy haf to do to be loved? or feel... tht passion for one night?
god knows.....(in my case onli)
clubbin is not for me..........
i know..... few girls.....
dat would act wanna go w me........
i dunno........
cos i always see this group of guys....
taht will meet up w this group of girls... and they will get it on together....
haha.......
no such thing for plain me.........
it looks fun...... but......
then there are the couples.........................................................................................................................................
most of the time.......
im alone......................................................
so thats why i should stop goin.............................
the less i see of this kinda shit............
the less i think about it....................
cos ive never felt.........
wadever they are feeling................
but thats not love...... i guess...
or mayb it is in modern day context........
im just ya old fashion guy........ the shy guy............
just wanting to know that some one loves him.......
im just a boy..... wanting to love just a girl........
im just a boy..... wanting to spend time w that some one special......
some one who can relate to me...........
cos im not normal in the sense..... that i dont really haf mainstream taste?
i just dont know if i can find a person..
that can talk to me about anything....
that can relate with me at all?.....
understand me?
share with me?
laugh with me?
i just wanna be loved?
is that wrong?
am i trying to hard?
or am i expecting to much?

been there done that.......

thepurplehighlife............
is............

no more.

2002-12-04T22:44:00.000-08:00

its been a long time since ive updated this site... apologise to the peole who hMIGHT haf been following my site.. if there are even any...
everybody all fed up cos my site always got songs only.....
but i told limin... that they are like reflections of my state of mind?

these past five days haf been damn wild........
been ckubbin twice...
on friday and yest... wednesday..
at thaWu bar and LOX

thawu was nice...
it was my sa frens bday... so he invited me...
we met up w some of his frens there..a dn decided to go in... but onli 5 of us got in!!
haha me included... i swear it was the nice black shirt i was wearin that nite... haha
cos they ask for id for the rest of em... i also got asked... but i just told him i didnt bring.. and he was lk ok nevermind!! serious!! damn funny...
it was kinda of a lousy deal though... only could get 5 free drinks and it was 5 bux a cup..
but my fren had connections.. and soon all of us were getting shots for FREE!!!! woohoo!! hahaha...
then i hit the dance floor after checking out this group of gals... my group approached thier group and we all paired off.. haha.. so style..
tats when i met limins fren...hy
danced close 2gether for 2 or 3 ocassions...(she was the onli name i could rem haha)
think i found out her cca all.. think she was an ex dancer.. so must be hot... hee... but really cant rem anything else..
oh yah.. dunno if i should say this but will anyway..... i really kinda liked the way she was holding me... warm and nice sensual feeling...
serious.... its dumb to say this...but i felt like really loved....... it was seriously nice.. never been touched that way b4... wad was to come later wasnt as nice... serious... as in the way she caressed me... the first one nicer all haha..... sigh.... im really fucked up lah... so des sometimes............
then went off for more shots...
and went back to look for hy.. but i couldnt find her... met hy frens who was also looking for her...
and thats when it happend... it close... touchy.. very touchy i guess..
cos before i knew it... we were making out..damn................
dont know who started it... but dont think its me... i NEVER did such stuff before.. the most just the touchy part
it was like totally uncalled for...
still can rem a bit of how it felt like i think... it was my first GODDAMN time lah... (i was fucking saving it for some one special maybe?... future gf or smthn....)
pissed but happy at the same time...
my first time... lost it to another of limins class mate also!!!!!!!! found that out the next day
lost it to someone i dont even know or gif a shit bout........
damn sad lah in a way....
but could rem a few things..... it was def frenching...... could feel it.. haha ok ill spare the details...
but i dont know...
its kinda hard to get over........
first time leh......
of course i def enjoyed it...
nice sensation all.......
but dont hink ill be doin it again anytime soon......
still feel like braggin bout it haha.... but i shant....
it was some pretty wicked shit........
next day when i was at my frens place... took of my shirt.....
and i noticed.... a fucking LOVE BITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
shit man!!!!
luckily it was small and on my collar bone..
how the heel did her lips even get so deep into my shirt?!?!
amazing...
collarbone leh..... you wear any shirt you cant see it!?
then how was that area exposed for her?
my shirt was in perfect condition.. no tears nothing haha..
it was quite red... thats why i noticed it...
told you it was wicked...
luckily it didnt bruise.. and was gone in 3 days...

ok.. aft we left the club.. went to this guys denis house...
and there.. those who didnt get in.. got to drink some more hard stuff..
the bday boy benny...... fucking wasted.... the whole cab ride.. talking shit to the cab driver and us.... haha
couldnt even fucking walk straight...
i was miraculously sober.. after my intense moment on the dancefloor.. seldom leave clubs sober aany way haha..so yeah
i was kinda surprised i was ok...............
then at denis house we were watchin south park haha...
2 epsidodes you MUST check OUT....
CHILD ABDUCTION IS NOT FUNNY... cos taht one got this china man and the mongolians.... fucking good...
the other one is a LORD OF THE RINGS dub.............. that one is even FREAKING better!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yup... tats wad happend on the big nite out........
lost my first kiss........ sighs......
but i really had mixed feeling over it...
told myself that i had to lose it by the end of this year... so kinda fulfilled that part..
but was hoping i lost it when i got attached by the end of this year... but dont think thats gonna even happen.......... either.......

and one more thing... i swear i always kena SNGS gals.................
two of them were from SN.........
then the first gal i treid to date but broke my heart also from SN..............(bitch)
then in SA... met Jean... had a nice friendship goin on for a while... going for concerts together etc haha.. now just friends..
and as MELANIE KIANG claims... i and Jac chua haf something goin on... thats like bloody bullshit....haha... were just good friends... and KIANG! if you read THIS..
she onli goes for older guys......
oh then one stage also flirting w one called xiao ling i think haha...

and now to last nite.........

FUCKING god damn waste of time......... the LUSH bouncer is a stuck up fucking cheebai asshole mother fuckering shit head bloody dumb ass piece of shit............
fuck him to hell lah...................
by 10... most of the crowd was there... and they couldnt get in.......
i tried... using my jack tan.......... the bouncer looked at the face on the id .. looked and me... then i gaf him the blur look like on the photo
then he asked me for the ic number...
and I REMEMBERED IT!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!! S8121978B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahahahaha...
then i damn happy all.. he was gonna chop the UV stamp alrd....... then......
HE FUCKING ASKED FOR THE GODDAMN BLOODY BIRTHDAY.....
i didnt know it... my fault........BUT no i do!!!! its fucking 30.09.81
then i went off....
met jiayng there.. he also couldnt get in... then we went toilet.. and i changed my hairstyle and swap shirs w him and tried again w another guys id...
was waiting in que... then saw some fuckers... being pulled aside... must be id problems....... shit... was fucking scared... so left the que...
could rem anything on that other id... cept his name was kenneth haha joshua tans cousin....
MATT BOUNCER.... IF YOU EVER get a chance t o mayb read this.... FUCK YOU again.. haha...see wad you can do NEXT YEAR!!!
make so many ppl unhappy... even my beng friend got this fake id... then he was memorising... until he saw the address haha... damn funny
jalan jurong kechil ave dunno wad road dunno wad blk smthn # smthn.. spore $#@$#^$# haha... but theres a trick for that.. just say move house...(useful tips)
haha damn style all......
i swear ... if just got radio could haf had our own fcking party outside........
those who got in also came out cos they said it was fucking empty inside........
then we just stoned.......
from 9 till 10 plus.. then we went over to check out lox...
party didnt even start yet!!! haha
damn style... rj prom 'ever after' havent end yet haha
starts onli at 2330 haha

then heard that lush could eneter... at least more of them did.... fuck them.
but they had only less than 1 hr of free flow haha and was 22 bucks...
so my click(a diff one from friday.. my usual frens this one)
fucked care and went to LOX... to wait...
damn style all... LOX also got id check.. then i borrowed paul tans one... damn style...
the bouncer look at me i smile at him..
he didnt say shit... then let me into the que to buy tix... 19 bux onli!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and 2 hours of free flow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo....... wonder who realli lost out when it came to drinks... the losers at lush who got in at 11...
but in danceing terms... think the lush peeps had more fun... sa girls more wild.. and not as stuck up as rj gals.......
fucking losuy rj gals...............
should just go to a lesbian club next time... la.. stupid fucking bithces...
none of us got chance to dance close........... i think...
i know i didnt get anyone...
all the bitches just dancing in their lesbian circle all...
or round those fucking high profile cute guys(fags)
or they were attached
means one thing.... they didnt fucking drink enuff...... bet they just go there to talk cock say hi to thier frens.. and just dance.. cos mommy say cannot drink all
but saw stacey sim!!!!! didnt talk much though.. yeah...

we danced aft our usual drinking until free flow was over... had shit load of drinks...
was even tareking w Justin Lee at the bar...damn style(for those of u who dont know... hes e hockey senior keeper.. trains me(sometimes)!!! haha)

then i saw another hockey J2.. kai hong.. haha... think he saw me woozy all.. damn style... cant rem wad he said to me.. but bumped into him a few times haha..

but i swear i hate the rj crowd....... so boring...............
everyone just stick to their own groups...... like in school...................

really wanna FUCK RJ sometimes...............

seriously..........

oh well...
was so goddamn high.. had more than 15 i think.... but dont think i reached 20... but seriously dunno... i know i was stealin all my frens drinks... haha damn style.. then i rem got one drink damn funny lousy bartender.. mix bourbon coke and vodka sprite in the same cup... style man...

mark and josh had to help me walk to the taxi stand.... then we rendezvous at atarh to meet up w the guys who went into fucking LUSH and Hendrix bar haha...

had vietnam fried rice... think it was pretty good... cant really tell when u feel like puking all... and i did puke.. haha.. then kepp on lettin out lil spurts onto the floor.. then richard scolding me all haha
damn funny..... they were talking bout stuff like.. they claim... the unlce puts GANJA into the MILO PING....thats why its damn good... but their teh ping tastes like fucking ice lemon tea........

then we walked back to our estate.... to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz at 0603

-the end-

and heres a song that im really into now.. cos i can kinda relate to cept as usual... i didnt break up with anibody...
im always having that longing feeling just to find someone............................................................

Ladies And Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
Ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space

All I want in life's a little bit of love
To take the pain away
Getting strong today
A giant step each day
All I want in life's a little bit of love
To take the pain away
Getting strong today
A giant step each day
I've been told
Only fools rush in
Only fools rush in
But I don't believe
I don't believe
I could still fall in love with you

I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine
And float in space and drift in time
All the time until I die
We'll float in space, just you and I
And I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine
And float in space and drift in time
All the time until I die
We'll float in space, just you and I

Baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
And I don't know where we are all going
Life don't get stranger than this
It is what it is
And I don't know where we are all going

I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time
Everything happens today
And we're out here in space
And I don't know where we are all going
Baby I love you today
I guess that's what you want
And I don't know where we are all going

................................im just a messed up boy.

2002-11-12T07:58:00.000-08:00

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me you questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming in tales
Heads are a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing tails
And coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

2002-10-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

the exams are finally over..... n i must say..the studyin didnt really pay off.......
BBCDEF.... musical.... chord progression...... but o well...

sex drugs rock n roll
speed weed birth control
lifes a bitch n then you die
so fuck the world n lets get high

like what astird said....
why do we have to study so hard???
( cos reznick was a toilet cleaner n the matchbox 20 guy was a zookeeper )
n their making shitloads now.......
(its not exactly wad she said... but the essence is there.,,. haha)

open house was fun!!!!!!!!

was DJ w ham n tou!!!!!!!!!! our theme song: dilema by nellly...

it was a blast... ask anybody who was unlucky enuff to be in the area when it was our shift.. haha
but i really did enjo myself just too tired to express myself now.......

had kinda a bad day......

started of by buyin this photo album that cost 65 bux... n it was no where near wad i act wanted..... got fucking conned
missed my mrt stop... had to sit all the way to khatib..... n back.....
missed the bus.........
fuck.
this shit seldom happens..
it gets even weirder....
a very close friend tell me i raped her in her dreams.....
like huh?? wads wrong wit today........

people see me around with lots of girls all the time....
n they say im a flirt n not committed....
but its not my fault....
cos i know...
that they arent really interested in startin anything serious with me.....
so whats wrong with mixing around then??
after all i am not attached....
so why cant i flirt??
why cant i widen my circle??
im doing it in hope...
of a lucky break
or something real...
you cant say im wrong in trying
i need human affection too..
so FUCK you... for all your accusations... when you dont know half the story or are guilty as well
IF

2002-09-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

i cant love you... but i really want to..
its because my hearts frozen..
cold..
its not that i dont want to love you..
i just cant...
fallen in love to many times...
but in all of them..
ive fallen out..
hurt..
but..
stronger
wiser
colder

more afraid

but the longing is still there

im like a fool willing to go back..
try again..
but i cant love you...

but could you love me?

n melt my heart?

i cant afford to..
shy away from human affection..
anymore..
if not..
i'll be lost n gone forever...
drifting..
nodding..
fading away..

i look at the moon every night and wonder if youre looking at it too...
cos its the only thing we can see..
when we are apart...
i listen and breathe in and revel in and soak in the ambience of my softly lit room..
but youre not with me...
i could sleep forever..and it would be you i dream of...
my heart is longing just for your company..

but there is no you...

somebody..

someone..

help me...

i cant fall in love anymore...

-annonymous-

2002-09-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

hey finally back... a sudden change of events has occured in my life.. changes that i will never forget.. because i wished it never happened... if only i could turn back time... well now im stranded n in a state of dont know what to call it...

this survey is one of the more fun things that happened to me since a long time.. as in emails.. but yeah... thanx mel!!!

1.First, state your full name:
Justin Zachary Low Yaocan

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
erm... moll flanders???

3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
mines a female mouse that doesnt need a pad... though the strange thing is why do guy mice need PADS??

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
monopoly!! the powerpuff edition!!!

5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE(s)?
JUICE UPLOAD FHM?? hmmm thats 3...

6. FAVORITE SMELLS?
food!!!
how bout sMEL?? haha.. kiddin
hmmm.. daudaff(dunno how to spell) clear water...
freshly made waffle n pancake smells.. the fresh jungle air!!

7. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
anything!!! except filipino maids yacking piledrivers n jackhammers n traffic..
even mels whinin n yakkin is kinda nice j gans wads wrong with you? geralds hello... jac being fierce(jgans definition) thats damn funny gabe or staceys whining erm... anything!!! esp electric guitars shredding n palm muting n harmonics,jazz bass guitars piano n drums..
vinyl scratching anything music like!!! how can i forget mels zhou ba zhou ba n 'mother' AND duum duum duum(bass guitar aka mels fats!) plus everytime when gou gou meets mel!!!... wah that one the whole rj always gets a shock....

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
rejection

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
nothing act... or maybe... shit its another day waking up so early!!!!(applies on sch days only) or act coming to think of it.. i never really noticed...

10. FAVORITE COLOR(S)?
blue n black!!!!! not the bsb album ah... + red
black for the style n mystery
blue for its coolness
red for the energy n passion!!!

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
depends on the ringtone... if its nice.. the guy can wait longer.. but at home.. see where the phone is first..

12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
hmmm... havent really thought about that
but itll be special

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
relationships

14. FAVORITE FOODS?
anything cept weird veggies + seafood n anything that tastes like powder n is hairy on the outside n ginger taste like

15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
VANILLA!!! cos chocolate makes me sneeze!! haha

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
erm hello... DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
yup!!!! a cookie monster head n my stuff toy ORANGE!!!

18. STORMS - SCARY OR COOL ?
way cool!!! esp bolt lightning!!!! damn nice the way it splits up the sky... the thunder shaking the whole house n the wind howling!!!!!! i love it!!!

19. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
my hot wheels!!! all the racing car types!!!

20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE?
i dont know... hmmmmmm..... faye wong?

21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINKS?
whisky neat or on the rocks n scotch n white wine n tequila n vodka lime n waterfall(havent tried it yet but all me frens says its the ultimate!!!!!) n blue lagoon n anything that has blue curacao syrup in it n martini n light beer n bourbon

22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
pisces!! duo fishies!!!

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
erm...... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
nightclub cum disco owner n resident dj!!!

25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?
blue and red!!! + streaks of ash!

26. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

i guess so...

>27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?

half full half empty... it depends on my mood act.. haha

28. FAVORITE MOVIE(S):

most of the action ones... the ones w cool effects.. MATRIX!!! the vampire movies... n the other extreme end.. love ... act i can appreciate almost any movie for wad it is.. haha

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS:
mel it means that are you fingers on "asd" n some other standard keys.. theyre like the starting point.. so i guess so yeah! haha

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
dirt!!!!!!! (erm not you christine haha)

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
8, 69!!!!!!

32. FAVORITE SPORT(S) TO WATCH?
snooker 9 ball soccer volley ball(girls ie)!!! beach volley ball (girls ie) beach soccer the X GAMES!!! all the stunts by blades boards n bikes!!! + surfing n all the other xtreme sports.. base jumping sky diving n wrestling!!!

33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
mel!? hmm.... everything bout you is good!!!!!!!! haha... youre a great fren.. damn fun to disturb!! haha n play with.. duum duum duum(bass guitar aka mels fats!) see... i can be nice if i want to!!

34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

erm mel?????

35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?

J GAN

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T.V. SHOW?

blue torch.. x zone
samurai x flame of recca powerpuff gals dexters lab... cosby that 70s show drew carey show whos line is it anyway friends 3rd rock from the sun!!!! woohoo!! MTV alternative nation, after school rocks, NIGHTS.. n non stop hits!! ripley believe it or not if im damn bored, son of the beach!!!(if thats wad its called), goodness gracious me!!!!!(not shown anymore=( )

37. COMMENTS:
fun!! fun!! do mels happy clap!! *clap clap*!! haha...

2002-08-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

i made it!!! today for the first time in dont know how many weeks i survived a thursday in school!!!! yaay!!..didnt fall asleep in econs tutorial and awas even participating and payin attention in geog tutorial!! well maybes its because i had something to look forward to... pool after sch with cherry wafflecrisp tea leaf whipped cream(hee..should i call you smthn else) haha.. well we didnt play in the end though cos cherry wafflecrisp tea leaf whipped cream was tired and wanted to go home and zzz... oh well.. next time i guess... musta been the thursday effect.. i know how that feels...

so while the pool passion was still in me i called backup.. joe.. haha... well lets say he kicked my punaney nicelay very nicelay 13 - 1..
shit lah.. i may have improved... but he has fucking improved like crazy too... can even curve the ball to avoid a snook... basket..

feel kinda sidientic now dont know why(sung in tume w norah jones)...

morcheeba - over and over

Wake into these sounds again I wonder how I'll sleep,
Passing out is passing off into the stubborn deep,
Id like to meet a human who makes it all seem clear,
To work out all these cycles and work out why I'm standing here.

[Chorus]
I'm falling over and over and over and over again now,
Calling over and over and over and over again now.

[Verse2]
Running through my life right now I don't regret a thing,
Things I do just me laugh and make me want to drink,
I'd like to meet a mad man who makes it all seem sane,
To work out all these troubles and what there is to gain
[Back to chorus]

[Verse3]
Projecting what I want is always hard to know,
But when it comes between my sights ill let the damage show,
I'd like to meet a space man who's got it going on,
Sailing through the stars at night until our world is gone.
[Back to chorus]

2002-08-12T03:47:00.000-07:00

ok ppl... im addicted to the chorus of this new KoRn song... thoughtless.... fucking good follow up to here to stay!!!!

here is goes:

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming

and heres the lyrics to my fave hoobastank song too:

Running Away - (2:59)
I don't want you to give it all up
and leave your own life collecting dust
and I don't want you to feel sorry for me
you never gave us a chance to be

And I don't need you to be by my side
and tell me that everything's all right
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
you know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?

I did enough to show you that I
was willing to give and sacrifice
and I was the one who was lifting you up
when you thought your life had had enough
and when I get close you turn away,
there's nothing that I can do or say
so now I need you to tell me the truth
you know I'd do that for you

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?

Is it me? Is it you?
nothing that I can do
to make you change your mind

Is it me? Is it you?
nothing that I can do
is it a waste of time?

Is it me? Is it you?
nothing that I can do
to make you change your mind

So why are you running away?
why are you running away?
(what is it I have to say?)
so why are you running away?
(to make you admit you're afraid)
why are you running away?

okieokie... i said id be nice and stop posting all these kinda depressing but catchy angsty songs... so heres a change smthn lovey dovey haha

morcheebas fear and love:

We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true
We can live in fear
Extend our selves to love
We can fall below
Or lift our selves above
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear
I always try so hard
To share my self around
But now I'm closing up again
Drilling through the ground
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear
I'd love to give my self away
But I find it hard to trust
I've got no map to find my way
Amongst these clouds of dust
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you loving
But it's not always that clear X4

ney man this is a lyrics post... well i guess you can say these songs and all the rest ive posted kinda reflect my state of mind... pretty weird combo if you ask me.. well my taste in musics diverse... so almost anything will do... so long as it appeals to me.. which is almost again anything... yup yup the two xtremes love juxtaposed w hate and angst.. but those of you who read this are teens too.. so you should know what this confusion feels like.. but yours will be uniquely yours of course... unless you are me...

2002-08-09T23:05:00.000-07:00

this post goes out to cherry wafflecrisp tea leaf whipped cream.. haha bet i et since you are currently an eskobar fan youd prob have the lyrics to your fave song by them.. on the ground.. hahaha but that song is really nice so ive decided to post em too!!.. next time maybe some morcheeba lyrics! n hey cherry wafflecrisp tea leaf whipped cream you still haf ta explain someone new to me... haha

on the ground

When you see a man, let him be what he's gotta be
one time is all that he needs
I know for all, is you got to believe in love

Sky above water, they're always the same
Sons and daughters, they're always the same

Always the same

And I never found you on the ground
And I never made a sound
'Cause you were much too busy being free
No time to be with me

And I never found you on the ground
And I never made a sound
'Cause you were much too busy being free
No time to be with me

Hold on to posture and strangers
Hold on to posture and pride

and now... time to brag bout the HOOBASTANK concert!!! it was totally awesome!! great fantastique!! wild!!! the bassist look 95% like one of my frens kevin from svdp.. the built the hair the look haha... kev wad were you doin there last nite man haha... but the two ppl who got the most attention were of course the lead singer and guitarist who are way cool!!! im not gay or wad.. but theyre really kewl.. since hoobastank is a fairly unknown band... with only two current hits crawling in the dark and running away... naturally those were the two songs that really really really sent the crowd wild!!!!!!!! i was dangling above the from the second level and my fren said i almost fell over haha... but i had a damn good view of the guitarist pedals.. he had one whole box of em.. and how he was playin.. he had 3 diff guitars.. the lead singer was actually the recepient of some gals BRA!!! but he threw it back to her aft the concert.. haha.. still dont know their names though... n frm our position.. directly above the band... we couldnt see the drummer... and seldom saw the bassist... but it was worth it.. 23 bucks well spent for one hour of hard rocking sound blasting guitar riffs!!!!! and kick ass vocals!!! and did i mention the guiitarist actaully acknowledged us..he looked up and we were like yeah!!! alright man! + showed him the rock on sign l_| woohoo!!!! hoobastank hoobastank hoobastank hoobastank hoobastank....

2002-08-07T05:51:00.000-07:00

here are the down to none lyrics... gan found them...
i swear i got no luck when im searchin for all this kinda stuff on the net.. bleah...Reveille - Down To None

welcome to my revelation, reanimation
my anthem of regret-
two steps from my evisceration
my destination- where the rain meets the dust
and my only separation from my pain is my trimulus
and plus my self-distrust, disgust
i must confess that when i rush i bust-
no rest cuz everything's a test
we're bringing just enough stress to keep this microphone in check
and if you read between my lie i'll take you step by step by step
protect yourself, it's day to day for life
2001nails driven into Jesus Christ
too many sleepless nights
i feel my head go numb
a tangled web brought a spider bite that's counting me down to none

never say never, never lie, never cry wolf
fuck it to infinity
now run it like a toll booth
cold truth, all work and no play make you sick
spittin' psycho-dellic hits all up in your trip
now i gotta get a grip, between the cracks we slide
they been tainting the view with holy matricide
i run the override, so back on up the track
acquisition ammunition, demolition of the facts
hypochondriac, prepare to end your pain
take a look inside and ride the nowhere train
come drain my rain away, insane today, behold oblivion
cuz i was born with a thousand dreams and I'm down to none

evisceration- cutting open your body and removing your organs
matricide- the crime of killing your mother
hypochondriac - person who worries too much of becoming sick...

wah i think i better start posting some nicer stuff happier from now on....

haha.. but its a phase.. tend to be damn cynical when changes start happening...like preparing my mindset to start studying for the promos which are still so far away....haha... oh well... this is rj i guess..

2002-08-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

guess ive lost it all..
the lesson to learn is you cant control or haf all you want..
it just wont work out
it looks like ill haf to start all over from scratch again...

heres a haunting song you all should check out.. its creates and leaves this lasting impression on you... its call 'my sweet prince' by placebo..

here are the lyrics:

never thought youd make me perspire
never thought id do you the same
never thought id fill with desire
never thought id feel so ashamed
me and the dragon
can chase all the pain away
so before i end my day
remember
my sweet prince
you are the one
my sweet prince
you are the one
never thought id have to retire
never thought id have to abstain
never thought all this could backfire
close up the hole in my vein
me and my valuable friend
can fix all the pain away
so before i end my day
remember
my sweet prince
you are the one
my sweet prince
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
never thought id get any higher
never thought youd fuck with my brain
never thought all this could expire
never thought youd go break the chain
me and you baby
used to flush all the pain away
so before i end my day
remember
my sweet prince
you are the one
my sweet prince
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
you are the one
my sweet prince
my swee prince

i think the songs bout marijuana abuse...
puffin the magic dragon and all..
yup
damn nice song
would definitely appeal to the GOTHIC chics
haha
slow dark and haunting...

2002-07-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

okie okie... here some thing i found in my email.. if you ever feel like doin it jus copy it and send it to whoever you want...
haf to be honest k!
n i must confess
that some of the questions are really tough!!
bleah...

DO YOU THINK I'M:
1. Quiet or Loud?:
2. Short or Tall?:
3. Weird or Original?:
4. Nice or Mean?:
5. Friendly or Selfish?:
6. Normal or "Special"?:
7. Smart or Stupid?:
8. Boring or Fun?:
9. Attractive or Unattractive?:
10. Hater or Lover?:
11. Player or Playlette?:
12. Heartbreaker or heartbreaky?:
JUST SOME QUESTIONS:
1. What do u think I'll be when I grow up?:
2. (a.) Do u think I'll get married?:
(b.) If u do ... Who do you think I'll marry?:
3. When is my birthday?:
4. Who is my best friend?:
5. What song (if any) reminds u of me?:
6. Do I remind u of any characters on TV?:
7. If u could rename me, what would my name be?:
8. Have u ever had a dream about me?:
9. If u could give me anything, what would it be?:
10. If u could promise me anything, what would it be?:
11. If you could change one thing about me..what would it be?:
PERSONAL (OPPOSITE SEX) BE HONEST!!!
1. Am I physically ugly, average, decent, good-looking, beautiful, hot?:
2. Would u ever kiss me?:
3. Would u ever consider being my boy/girl friend?:
4. Do u ever think about me off-line?:
5. If we spent a day together...where would we go and what would we do?:
6. If u could describe me in one word, what would that word be?:
7. Do u or have u ever had a crush on me?:
8. Would you go out with me as of right now?:
Anyone who is Answering all this question..okie keke
1. Do u wish we were closer?:
2. What's your favorite thing about me?:
3. State here your completely honest opinion of me?:

2002-07-18T07:19:00.000-07:00

the truth is finally out...

my suspicions were finally confirmed..

what am i gonna do??

if i let it go like this.. this will be deja vu...

why...

but this time a cut eased it.. haha guess im getting sicker by the day shit...
well this is gonna have to stop.. everything thats wrong has to stop now. no more abuse...
but how can i when theres no escape cept for the weekends...

"Here To Stay"

This time taking it away
I’ve got a problem
With me getting in the way
My final sign
So I take my face and bash it into a mirror
I won't have to see the pain bleed bleed

This state is elevating
As the hurt turns into hating
Anticipating all the fucked up feelings again

The hurt inside is fading
This shits gone way to far
All this time I’ve been waiting
Now I cannot grieve anymore
For what’s in side awaking
My god I’m not a whore
You’ve taken everything
And now I cannot give anymore

My minds done with this
Ok I got a question
Can I throw it all away?
Take back what’s mine?
So I take my time driving humbly down the line
Each cut goes up to the vain bleed bleed

this state is elevating
As the hurt turns into hating,
Anticipating all the fucked up feelings again

The hurt inside is fading
This shits gone way to far
All this time I’ve been waiting
Now I cannot grieve anymore
For what’s in side awaking
My god I’m not a whore
You’ve taken everything
And now I can not give anymore

I’m here to stay, Bring me down [x4]

Gonna Bring me / you down [x5]

This state is elevating
As the hurt turns into hating
Anticipating all the fucked up feelings again

The hurt inside is fading
This shits gone way to far
All this time I’ve been waiting
Now I cannot grieve anymore
For what’s in side awaking
My god I’m not a whore
You’ve taken everything
And now I cannot give anymore

give anymore [x3]

and BY THE WAY...the video for this song rocks!!!
ask cherie to tell you her funny experience w it.. its very funny hahaha

and BY THE WAY! ive got the chilies new album and it really rocks.. me and cherie and gan were listenin to it..
all it took was 30 seconds of each track and we bought the album!!! woohooo!!!!!

other recommendations
phantom planets- california
morcheeba- women lose weight( currently staceys fave song...haha)
coldplay- in my place

thats all for now...

AMAZING FACT OF THE DAY!! = MELANIE AND GERALD CANT SPELL

GONDWANALAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHA =)-

TOO BAD!!! HAHA

2002-07-18T06:57:00.001-07:00

2002-07-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

2002-07-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

its a sunday today...

my hair is growing back...
just realised that its too long to spike anymore..haha
watched minority report just now... liked it very much..interesting concept..

was pissed off last nite
damn piseed off cos of a communcation break down btw my mom and sister
the result a loss of $15 and i had to walk all the way from park mall to east coast sea food centre

but before that something strange and kinda weird happened

some of you know that i volunteered for this racial harmony day thingy and cos of that i couldnt meet up w my fren to play pool...
its this girl who came back from auzzie(the whole freaking worlds goine there) met her and this other gal.. shall call her gal X at a sailing camp.. became close frens and... yeah.. so we were supposed to hae this reunion the three of us and two more of our other frens from that same camp..but simce i had racial harmony day prep couldnt go.. and guess who i met at racial harmony day... girl X.. after not having seen her for like 1and a half years...wow..
whats so freaky..
i think its cool..
its like we were supposed to meet that nite but in the end that nites meeting was cancelled and i met her durin the rh prep instead..haha my other fren the gal from australia found it utterly amazing.. haha
and on the way off from that rh prep at tp jc.. i heard this group of guys bitching about girl x.. how pretty and all she is... even over heard them say she was prom queen or smthn last year...hmmmz... didnt get a chance to ask her bout how shes been...cos of all the other stuff we had to discuss at the prep.. the GOH teo chee hian( screw the spoelling) is supposed to be gonna watch our station.. so we cant afford to screw up...haha look out for man.. ill be on tv!!!!

many ppl are also in a state of shock to find out that im training to be a hockey goalie.. haha i dont blame you..
but wad does a typical hockey goalie look like to you guys??
why all the commotion?? haha
loadsa ppl were watching me that day do the save tennis ball trainin drill..
haha..
for your info its DAMN TIRING okie...=(
ached lke shit that nite... but i like that... been a long time since i got a good work out haha
gotta burn em fats!!!

i know my sites boring.. but i gotta find out how to use this shit first then i can link you guys up to some interesting stuff...

2002-07-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

hey just decided to update my page after some ppl haf inquired bout my stagnant status
well..
im back aft football fever and recovering from starting school again
though i wish school never had to start again..
bleah

was looking for some song lyrics when i came across this next passage im gonna share w yall
the history folder was cleared for some reason only i know my brother knows and those who are still maturing and are addicted know..
so i couldnt relocate the website=( there was other nice stuff to get you thinking bout your life there..and if its worth while...haha dont worry im not insane and i dont plan of killing myself anytime soon..

here it is

the hollow heart

you want to know whats wrong me?
i cant tell you whats wrong with me..
the truth will not set you free this time
it will only hurt you confuse you frighten you

and i dont want that to happen to you..
because
i love you
i dont want to poison your mind or scar your soul
i just want you to be happy
if i
cant make you happy
cant make you laugh
cant make you smile
cant make you love me
then ill let someone else do it..

but if you really must know
i love you
i really do
you
fascinate me
captivate me
make me laugh
make me smile
make me feel that someone cares for me
make me feel that this this cold heart of mine is actually capable of loving someone

have you experienced loving someone so much with all your mind body and soul but that person doesnt know it and then one fine day you lose that person to someone else..

this is how it is...

in my mind
my perception of you is flawless..
you can do no harm
im the one hurting myself
killing myself with these unkind thoughts
the dangers of love..

i cannot bring myself to express how i feel for you
i dont know why..
all i can do is torment myself
by not doing anything to fight for you
just watch you end up with someone else
and then tell myself i was not good enough for you...

but when really inside
im just dying to love you
hold you
kiss you
and be held by you
kissed by you
loved by you

i ask of nothing more
just your
time
attention
love

alas i dont think im fated to
fall in love
only out
when will i be able to find true love
no one knows
only God knows

when will i find someone
to just
spend time with
confide in
to love with every breathe i take..
because every thought i have is about you
you are on my mind day and night
night and day
twenty four seven
you that special someone is
and will be in
my mind
my heart
my soul
until i fade away

till that day when i have the courage
to say the three words
till that day when im no longer afraid
till that day when i have gathered the strength

my soul and mind will not be in peace
i cant bring myself to hurt you
so i hurt myself..

-for those out there who feel the same..

haha yup thats it.. pretty neat stuff if you ask me...
it was annonymous... bleah

and BY THE WAY the new red hot chillies new song really rocks... aboslutely love it... my new addiction
its been repeating since ive started typing this...
their songs have that effect
this new album in my opinion might even hit multi platinum... thats how good it is..

another kind of music for you who cant stand noise.. but the chillies are soft rock.. acid jazz aka trip hop
check out MORCHEEBA and their new album Charango
two of my current faves from them are Otherwise and slowdown
it had good reviews in every mag i picked up and i definite must say that you'd be stoopid to give this one a miss...
it chills to the core!! haha

dats all for now i guess

2002-06-26T04:16:00.000-07:00

hey.. just got this online account so that i can haf a lil fun w the other guys like j gan n hua wei i think.. we gonna talk cock all day every day so if you cant stand me in class... well too bad this aint any diff

firstly i wanna say hi to the sji 4a2 brotherhood... where the fuck are you guys?? if i tell you guys bout this youll must come n see k.. huh yamseng, xiaohongniao, sen, woo, kenny, evil twin, yang yang, hutt, kianloong, kwek, n all the rest that i missed out sowie... this is off the top of myhead...

n to my present class hi.

nice to know ya haha ok im being dumb as usual but i guess you guys are used to it

n all those who come to this site RESPECT

if you dont know wad the hell im talking bout go dl ALI G in da HOUSE!!!!!!! its a fucking good movie go use your kazaa morpheus or wadever shit prog you haf.. jus get the damn show n laugh your head off seriously.. n jan n stacey this is def better than talking cock.. dont worry haha

last but not least a shout out to me sa pals benny sueann nicole liying wen theng cynthia anne eileen shumei dewi guan yuan tinaga lyviana and those who i forgot to mention sowie just recalling as quick as possible cos turkey gonna kick brazils ass soon!!!

bye